Yesterday, I woke up to the first official snow of winter 2009-2010. It was a light, fluffy snow. Fresh and new. It softly blanketed the trees and the grass, blowing in whatever direction the wind decided it's course of fate would be. The snow was airy, wrought with unfamiliarity. I watched a girl scoop up a handful of snow, examine it intently, and let the loose flakes fall through her fingertips to the cold cement.
This is the time of year when the city hibernates. What was once the vibrant, buzzing, lively Chicago of summer has turned into the depressed, anti-social, angry-at-the-world Chicago of winter. The times we remember- frolicking at the beach, carefree strolls by outdoor cafes, buying tamales on the corner, are no longer.
It is cold. And it is going to get much colder before we ever see warm again.
So here we are. People are wearing knee high waterproof furry boots and long coats and layering knitted scarves over knitted sweaters over knitted gloves...all to try to protect precious flesh from the vicious chill of winter.
Once the snow starts in Chicago...it doesnt stop until April. Even then, it's still cold until May.
"My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away,
And life, squeezes so tight that i can't breathe"
There was a time when I used to write poetry. In high school I sat in my classes, and wrote a poem every day. I would pass them to trusted friends and let them critique. I was a member of the Poetry Club - among the million other clubs that took up my after school time. In college, I continued my classtime poetry session to keep myself from falling asleep. Coming from high school AP Calculus, attempting to stay awake through my pre-calculus course was the most challenging aspect of the 3 hours a week I spent in that room.
I am a thoughtful communicator. Yes, that is a line straight from my resume. But, it's true. I think my success in communicating with others stems from my ability to listen and observe. Some people don't realize that communication is 50% listening. That being said, I am still convinced that I express myself best when I'm writing. When speaking, I always have that afterthought-that "oh darn, I should have said this!" Not when writing though. I can put things on paper, and they flow, and I say exactly what I want to say...
well, that used to be the case. I'm not sure what happened, but I cant write poetry anymore. The layer of my brain that takes regular nouns, verbs and adjectives and creates eloquent metaphors with whimsical imagery has shut down.
My lake of creativity has fallen victim to a drought. Like trekking through the Sahara, with not even a mirage in sight.
"I look at my environment,
And wonder where the fire went,
What happened to everything we used to be?"
So many things that used to define me no longer do. I'm no longer the smartest. I'm no longer the most unique. I'm not even the tallest anymore. If an interviewer were to sit me down right now, and ask me what sets me apart from everyone else, what would I say?
(Actually, I would make up something on the spot that sounded appropriate. I'm very good at telling people things they want to hear.)
Whatever I said, would I believe it? Probably not.
I have a poster in my room. It's one of those motivational posters. I bought it because it it red with roses, and I was going through a huge flower phase. But it says "PASSION. Nothing in the world has ever been accomplished without passion." While everyone else is distracted with Tiger Woods' drama, I struggle daily with finding my passion. I used to write. I used to be a musician. I used to aspire to be a kickass business woman. Somewhere along the line, I lost sight. What are my hobbies? Do I even have hobbies anymore? I dont DO anything anymore. My free time = gym, volunteering on a semi-weekly basis, dinner with friends, drinking with friends, being shit-faced drunk with friends, TV, Facebook, Twitter, internet, sleep. I cant even finish a book anymore! I have 3 very interesting, but unfinished books sitting in my room right now. not to mention the ones I havent even started.
I know that I am probably being entirely too hard on myself, and as a 24 year old, I should be exploring many options in life. But when I have friends who live in snazzy high rises in the West Loop and work for companies like Goldman Sachs....well dammit.
"And every time i've tried to be
What someone else thought of me
So caught up, i wasnt able to acheive"
I sat at my desk today and reflected. After a phone call from the Peace Corps office asking questions about my application and my follow up letter, it's looking more likely that they are going to pass on my application and ask me to reapply next year. She said they'll call me back next week, but I'm pretty perceptive. I could hear it in her voice. She was trying to find a way to tell me "no".
As I shed my first tear, I thought about love. Not the type of love that I have between my friends and my family, but the love between me, myself, and I. I'm not happy unless I'm doing something I love, or something that will get me to a place where I can do something that I love. These days I'm having trouble figuring out what exactly it is that I love to do, or would love to do. Since I'm not doing anything, and I dont even know what it is I should be doing to even make an attempt....I'm having trouble toning down the anger, disappointment, and frustration with myself and making room to love myself...
Does that make sense? Because nothing really makes sense for me anymore. I used to be happy. There were days when I would sit at this desk, and I was happy. Content with life. Now I'm uncomfortable. I want more, but it seems like "more" is difficult to attain. I want better, but I cant find a clear path to "better." Nothing is the same anymore. My interests and hobbies are not the same anymore, and now I have to find new ones. I cant even travel, because I have no money. I cant up and move somewhere, because that is entirely illogical. But I feel like it would be great for me.
Maybe I just need a vacation. Or a boyfriend to serve as a distraction.
I'm using my lunchtime today to take a walk. Something about walking in fresh snow...
"I hear so many cry for help,
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know that His strength is within me
And deep in my heart
The answer, it was in me
And I made up my mind
To define my own destiny"
Oh Lauryn Hill...if only it were that easy...
"The MisEducation of Lauryn Hill" - Lauryn Hill
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The Power of Words
"Tu es tout petit
Mon Meilleur ami
Je t'emmène avec moi
Partout où je suis
Je te parle comme à un homme doux et sensible
La seule chose qui m'agace c'est de changer les piles"
I often volunteer my time with a local organization called ChicagoCares. The cool thing about the organization is that there are dozens of things you can volunteer for each week and you can choose whatever interests you.
For a while, I was volunteering at Bingo night at one of the nursing homes around here. It was so much fun. But if I want to have a shot at Peace Corps, there are other things I have to focus on. So I chose to sign up for ESL Coaching. I had fun. A lot of fun. Basically, I helped the adult students practice English, just by sitting down and having a conversation with them.
I never realized how important a conversation could be. I was assigned to a classroom with 4 students who were slightly more advanced than the others...although their English was still quite broken. There were 3 other volunteers in the room, and we each did rounds to each student. I'm convinced that I learned more than the students. I went in expecting to just coach people with their English, but I ended up engaging in the most thoughtful conversations I've had in a while.
The media will have you believing that immigrants are only coming from Mexico, Cuba, and Puerto Rico. They completely ignore the floods of easternEuropean immigrants, immigrants from Asia, middle eastern people, and people from other parts of central and South America. Normally, I'm an open minded, intelligent individual. But for some reason, I fell victim to that ignorant belief when I saw that I would be going to Logan Square - a largely Mexican neighborhood. So when these men started telling me about Machu Picchu and drawing maps of where their hometowns are in relation to Belize, Brazil and Argentina...I was instantly interested. 3 out of the 4 men in my classroom were from Peru.
"J'aime beaucoup la vie
Pas du tout l'ennui
J'apprécie la galanterie, que tu m'offres au lit
Le plaisir infini partout où je suis
La seule chose qui m'agace c'est de changer les piles"
I spoke with a man named Walter who has lived here for 20 years.
20 years?
Yes. 20 years. And can barely speak English. He says he never gets to practice it. His family speaks Spanish at home. His co-workers speak Spanish at work. He lives in a neighborhood of the city where there are Spanish speaking businesses. Just like everyone else, he enjoyed and appreciated the chance to practice his English skills. What surprised me is how EAGER he was. As soon as I sat down with him, his eyes lit up, and we chatted away. This man was in his 50s, and was talking non-stop like some 4 year old.
You know how 4 year olds dont shut up, because they just grasped the language and they want to talk ALL OF THE TIME? Yeah, like that.
But he wasnt as annoying. I mean, he wasnt annoying at all.
Moving on...
I met this guy named John (Juan), who is from Lima, Peru, and used to teach finance at the University there. Now he fixes furniture for a living. I met Humberto, who is also from Peru, who used to live in Japan working for manufacturing companies, before he moved here to be with family.
Such interesting lives and such interesting people. I really enjoyed my time with them. I got a recipe for a Peruvian drink called Pisto Sour. It's kinda like a homemade whiskey sour, but not with whiskey. I had some great laughs too (Juan asked me if I was married. I told him no, I was single. He threw up the "Single Ladies" hand on me)
"A chaque fois que mon cerveau me demande
Je glisse la main dans mon sac automatique aux commandes
Je cherche un coin tranquille
et en passant je demande
Un nouveau jeu de piles pour ma télécommande"
I have no idea where I was going with this. But I do find it interesting that people have so much potential, are so intelligent and personable, and the only thing that separates them from reaching a higher status in society is language. Language barriers are more powerful than I first thought. Socially liberal people in this country are opposed to mandatory English language proficiency for immigrants (its discriminatory) , but I kind of agree with those "They need ta learn ta speak A'MERKIN" people. I think it would be way more beneficial for those coming to this country to be proficient in the language. It is an extremely difficult barrier to get over once you're here, and unless these people can master the language, they will never be able to flourish as American citizens. Others can continue to cast off these intelligent, highly capable people as "immigrants", and not see them as citizens.
But maybe....just maybe...that's the whole point.
I've been known to look into a conspiracy theory or two. But maybe "the man" doesnt want people to be required to learn the language, because they can then easily "take over." Society can't function if everyone is educated. If everyone is educated, then who will do the "lower class" jobs...we'll all be too smart. Society functions when there are classes of people, distinct lines and dichotomies between intelligence levels, social status, classes, etc. If everyone gets an education and has the same opportunities, who will work for the privileged? Gotta weed out people somehow...It's all a part of the plan.
This just turned into a completely different post.
"Mes copines t'apprécient
Mes copains . Aussi
Tu es le bienvenue
Dans chaque surprise party" "Mon Meilleur Ami"-Yelle
**I chose this song because I've spent the past year and a half singing it all of the time. I love this song. It's cutesy electro-pop. I know maybe 3 words of French, but I can sing this song backwards and forward. Last week, I learned that it was a song about a vibrator.
Mon Meilleur ami
Je t'emmène avec moi
Partout où je suis
Je te parle comme à un homme doux et sensible
La seule chose qui m'agace c'est de changer les piles"
I often volunteer my time with a local organization called ChicagoCares. The cool thing about the organization is that there are dozens of things you can volunteer for each week and you can choose whatever interests you.
For a while, I was volunteering at Bingo night at one of the nursing homes around here. It was so much fun. But if I want to have a shot at Peace Corps, there are other things I have to focus on. So I chose to sign up for ESL Coaching. I had fun. A lot of fun. Basically, I helped the adult students practice English, just by sitting down and having a conversation with them.
I never realized how important a conversation could be. I was assigned to a classroom with 4 students who were slightly more advanced than the others...although their English was still quite broken. There were 3 other volunteers in the room, and we each did rounds to each student. I'm convinced that I learned more than the students. I went in expecting to just coach people with their English, but I ended up engaging in the most thoughtful conversations I've had in a while.
The media will have you believing that immigrants are only coming from Mexico, Cuba, and Puerto Rico. They completely ignore the floods of easternEuropean immigrants, immigrants from Asia, middle eastern people, and people from other parts of central and South America. Normally, I'm an open minded, intelligent individual. But for some reason, I fell victim to that ignorant belief when I saw that I would be going to Logan Square - a largely Mexican neighborhood. So when these men started telling me about Machu Picchu and drawing maps of where their hometowns are in relation to Belize, Brazil and Argentina...I was instantly interested. 3 out of the 4 men in my classroom were from Peru.
"J'aime beaucoup la vie
Pas du tout l'ennui
J'apprécie la galanterie, que tu m'offres au lit
Le plaisir infini partout où je suis
La seule chose qui m'agace c'est de changer les piles"
I spoke with a man named Walter who has lived here for 20 years.
20 years?
Yes. 20 years. And can barely speak English. He says he never gets to practice it. His family speaks Spanish at home. His co-workers speak Spanish at work. He lives in a neighborhood of the city where there are Spanish speaking businesses. Just like everyone else, he enjoyed and appreciated the chance to practice his English skills. What surprised me is how EAGER he was. As soon as I sat down with him, his eyes lit up, and we chatted away. This man was in his 50s, and was talking non-stop like some 4 year old.
You know how 4 year olds dont shut up, because they just grasped the language and they want to talk ALL OF THE TIME? Yeah, like that.
But he wasnt as annoying. I mean, he wasnt annoying at all.
Moving on...
I met this guy named John (Juan), who is from Lima, Peru, and used to teach finance at the University there. Now he fixes furniture for a living. I met Humberto, who is also from Peru, who used to live in Japan working for manufacturing companies, before he moved here to be with family.
Such interesting lives and such interesting people. I really enjoyed my time with them. I got a recipe for a Peruvian drink called Pisto Sour. It's kinda like a homemade whiskey sour, but not with whiskey. I had some great laughs too (Juan asked me if I was married. I told him no, I was single. He threw up the "Single Ladies" hand on me)
"A chaque fois que mon cerveau me demande
Je glisse la main dans mon sac automatique aux commandes
Je cherche un coin tranquille
et en passant je demande
Un nouveau jeu de piles pour ma télécommande"
I have no idea where I was going with this. But I do find it interesting that people have so much potential, are so intelligent and personable, and the only thing that separates them from reaching a higher status in society is language. Language barriers are more powerful than I first thought. Socially liberal people in this country are opposed to mandatory English language proficiency for immigrants (its discriminatory) , but I kind of agree with those "They need ta learn ta speak A'MERKIN" people. I think it would be way more beneficial for those coming to this country to be proficient in the language. It is an extremely difficult barrier to get over once you're here, and unless these people can master the language, they will never be able to flourish as American citizens. Others can continue to cast off these intelligent, highly capable people as "immigrants", and not see them as citizens.
But maybe....just maybe...that's the whole point.
I've been known to look into a conspiracy theory or two. But maybe "the man" doesnt want people to be required to learn the language, because they can then easily "take over." Society can't function if everyone is educated. If everyone is educated, then who will do the "lower class" jobs...we'll all be too smart. Society functions when there are classes of people, distinct lines and dichotomies between intelligence levels, social status, classes, etc. If everyone gets an education and has the same opportunities, who will work for the privileged? Gotta weed out people somehow...It's all a part of the plan.
This just turned into a completely different post.
"Mes copines t'apprécient
Mes copains . Aussi
Tu es le bienvenue
Dans chaque surprise party" "Mon Meilleur Ami"-Yelle
**I chose this song because I've spent the past year and a half singing it all of the time. I love this song. It's cutesy electro-pop. I know maybe 3 words of French, but I can sing this song backwards and forward. Last week, I learned that it was a song about a vibrator.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Are we American, or What?
"And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me."
The morning of the Ft. Hood hood shooting, I was, ironically, reading an article about the falling quality of people accepted into the military.
Before you get all patriotic on me, I fully support the troops. I don't have the balls to join the military. That automatically makes them better than me, because these people chose to risk their lives for a country that makes BS decisions all of the time, and the reason why half of the troops out there are in the situations they are in now is because of someone's BS decision.
And before you start getting all patriotic on me again, I love America. I was born here, and I enjoy the perks of living here all of the time. Like saying whatever the hell i want to say in blogs. Or eating copious amounts of meat at a Brazilian Steakhouse. Or not knowing a damn thing about the Middle East except that it's sandy, and people dont have very many freedoms. And people are a little angry with us.
Thats right folks, I'm A'merkin.
And for shits and giggles....this is what a merkin really is:
A merkin (first use 1617)[1] is a pubic wig. The Oxford Companion to the Body dates the origin of the pubic wig to 1450. Women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin to combat pubic lice, and prostitutes would wear them to cover up signs of disease, such as syphilis.
They come in various colors and textures! And another tidbit, syphilis used to be called "The French Pox"
Except for during the Tuskegee Experiments...
Where was I going with this?
Oh right....so anyway, the article highlighted the fact that not only was the military being overrun with gangs, who are bringing their newfound knowledge of warfare back to the streets, but also by white supremacist organizations. The article pointed out the fact that the military has become so "desperate", for lack of a better term, for people that they are not screening applicants as much as usual, and are letting in mentally unstable, extremely violent, and, now, racist and hateful people in. I also read that some supremacist organizations are purposely sending some of their members to the military, in order to receive training for the upcoming race war.
Remind me not to be here when that breaks out.
Of course, you cant just read one article on the internet that mentions so many other interesting topics, so this article lead me to the Anti-Defamation League website, which lead me to the Council of Conservative Citizens website. And the cofcc.com website pissed me off. Why? Well...it's the most bigoted website I've ever seen, and it's hidden under the guise of a website representing the working/middle class American. It's like Glen Beck....but a lot of them. Every article is either trying to convince these readers that black men are especially violent, and are not only a threat to everyone, but are ESPECIALLY a threat to white women, or about illegal immigrants who are "taking over", or how white people are silenced, and are going to be a minority, or how the gays are "perverted", or Muslim people are going to blow everything up - all of them, or interracial people are a lost cause....it goes on and on and on. (although they did post a video about the swine flu vaccine being a bunch of crap, so I guess we agree on that.)
I am fully aware that America is nowhere near a post racial society. The election of President Barack Obama (who needs to man up, and tell these Conservatives to go fuck themselves....) has brought all of this racism back to the mainstream. But when your first Statement of Principle is "We believe the United States is a Christian country"....Really? Do you not know the history of this country?
Wait, that had nothing to do with race, that just pissed me off.
"And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA."
The second Principle...thats the one. Or is this the third? I dunno...anyway, it still made me upset.
"We believe the United States is a European country and that Americans are part of the European people. We believe that the United States derives from and is an integral part of European civilization and the European people and that the American people and government should remain European in their composition and character. We therefore oppose the massive immigration of non-European and non-Western peoples into the United States that threatens to transform our nation into a non-European majority in our lifetime. We believe that illegal immigration must be stopped, if necessary by military force and placing troops on our national borders; that illegal aliens must be returned to their own countries; and that legal immigration must be severely restricted or halted through appropriate changes in our laws and policies. We also oppose all efforts to mix the races of mankind, to promote non-white races over the European-American people through so-called “affirmative action” and similar measures, to destroy or denigrate the European-American heritage, including the heritage of the Southern people, and to force the integration of the races."
-www.cofcc.com Statement of Principles
do I really have to cite this correctly? No one really reads this. Anyway...there are prominent members of our government who are a part of this organization. This organization holds a lot of political power. the council of conservative citizens.
This is why people mistake all conservatives for being racist. Because the council of conservative citizens is a racist organization.
After reading this, I fell into that mood. You know...the one you fall into after you watch Mississippi Burning. Or Rosewood. That angry one. Walking down the street, I wondered if every white person I saw was secretly a racist, and was saying hateful things to me in their minds.
I could go on and on about race. More than likely, I will in the future. Because race relations are very interesting to me. I think I'll do a series on race. Starting with interracial dating. Then maybe on to something like the dichotomy between the acceptable black people, and the ones that you don't make eye contact with on the train. Then maybe a blog about people who cant help being bigoted, and how we can help them. Oooh...and maybe one about other races (Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, etc.) and why are they constantly left out of race discussions....unless we're sterotyping them. And how it just might suck to be a white person, since any move you make--you can be called a racist...(which is why you shouldnt make racist moves, friend)
Oh, and white people who are discriminated against by other white people. Maybe I'm not qualified to write that one, since I have no clue as to why this happens or what lines are drawn (like how white people dont understand the light skin/dark skin debate. Or oil sheen.)
This just turned into a brainstorming session.
Back to a point (maybe not "the point"...but a point nonetheless), I was reading about a man who joined a skinhead organization because he was bullied and tormented by Black and Latino kinds in school. He had two sons. He said he didnt mind if his sons had friends of other races, because they were young, but he made sure he told them that their friends aren't going to end up like them. Their friends are going to grow up to be gangbangers.
really...???
There was another man who said "I knew a guy who was a Black Panther. He said he's didnt have a problem with white people, he just didn't want his daughter bringing home a white man. We're both racists, but we agreed on that"
This is how people think. This is what people are teaching their children. Listen to Prussian Blue or visit the National Vanguard website.
I know this is America, and people are free to think however they want to, and live their lives the way they choose (unless you're a conservative...) but how do we stop the spread of hatred? Are we just going to be a hateful nation forever?
And why do people invest so much time into hate?
And why does a nation of immigrants spend so much time trying to prevent others from enjoying the very same freedoms that their forefathers did?
And why does the "Land of the Free, Home of the Brave" constantly limit the freedoms of it's people and deny basic human rights to "free people." who have commited no crimes and have done no wrong.
"I’d thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away." - "Proud to be an American" Lee Greenwood
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me."
The morning of the Ft. Hood hood shooting, I was, ironically, reading an article about the falling quality of people accepted into the military.
Before you get all patriotic on me, I fully support the troops. I don't have the balls to join the military. That automatically makes them better than me, because these people chose to risk their lives for a country that makes BS decisions all of the time, and the reason why half of the troops out there are in the situations they are in now is because of someone's BS decision.
And before you start getting all patriotic on me again, I love America. I was born here, and I enjoy the perks of living here all of the time. Like saying whatever the hell i want to say in blogs. Or eating copious amounts of meat at a Brazilian Steakhouse. Or not knowing a damn thing about the Middle East except that it's sandy, and people dont have very many freedoms. And people are a little angry with us.
Thats right folks, I'm A'merkin.
And for shits and giggles....this is what a merkin really is:
A merkin (first use 1617)[1] is a pubic wig. The Oxford Companion to the Body dates the origin of the pubic wig to 1450. Women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin to combat pubic lice, and prostitutes would wear them to cover up signs of disease, such as syphilis.They come in various colors and textures! And another tidbit, syphilis used to be called "The French Pox"
Except for during the Tuskegee Experiments...
Where was I going with this?
Oh right....so anyway, the article highlighted the fact that not only was the military being overrun with gangs, who are bringing their newfound knowledge of warfare back to the streets, but also by white supremacist organizations. The article pointed out the fact that the military has become so "desperate", for lack of a better term, for people that they are not screening applicants as much as usual, and are letting in mentally unstable, extremely violent, and, now, racist and hateful people in. I also read that some supremacist organizations are purposely sending some of their members to the military, in order to receive training for the upcoming race war.
Remind me not to be here when that breaks out.
Of course, you cant just read one article on the internet that mentions so many other interesting topics, so this article lead me to the Anti-Defamation League website, which lead me to the Council of Conservative Citizens website. And the cofcc.com website pissed me off. Why? Well...it's the most bigoted website I've ever seen, and it's hidden under the guise of a website representing the working/middle class American. It's like Glen Beck....but a lot of them. Every article is either trying to convince these readers that black men are especially violent, and are not only a threat to everyone, but are ESPECIALLY a threat to white women, or about illegal immigrants who are "taking over", or how white people are silenced, and are going to be a minority, or how the gays are "perverted", or Muslim people are going to blow everything up - all of them, or interracial people are a lost cause....it goes on and on and on. (although they did post a video about the swine flu vaccine being a bunch of crap, so I guess we agree on that.)
I am fully aware that America is nowhere near a post racial society. The election of President Barack Obama (who needs to man up, and tell these Conservatives to go fuck themselves....) has brought all of this racism back to the mainstream. But when your first Statement of Principle is "We believe the United States is a Christian country"....Really? Do you not know the history of this country?
Wait, that had nothing to do with race, that just pissed me off.
"And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA."
The second Principle...thats the one. Or is this the third? I dunno...anyway, it still made me upset.
"We believe the United States is a European country and that Americans are part of the European people. We believe that the United States derives from and is an integral part of European civilization and the European people and that the American people and government should remain European in their composition and character. We therefore oppose the massive immigration of non-European and non-Western peoples into the United States that threatens to transform our nation into a non-European majority in our lifetime. We believe that illegal immigration must be stopped, if necessary by military force and placing troops on our national borders; that illegal aliens must be returned to their own countries; and that legal immigration must be severely restricted or halted through appropriate changes in our laws and policies. We also oppose all efforts to mix the races of mankind, to promote non-white races over the European-American people through so-called “affirmative action” and similar measures, to destroy or denigrate the European-American heritage, including the heritage of the Southern people, and to force the integration of the races."
-www.cofcc.com Statement of Principles
do I really have to cite this correctly? No one really reads this. Anyway...there are prominent members of our government who are a part of this organization. This organization holds a lot of political power. the council of conservative citizens.
This is why people mistake all conservatives for being racist. Because the council of conservative citizens is a racist organization.
After reading this, I fell into that mood. You know...the one you fall into after you watch Mississippi Burning. Or Rosewood. That angry one. Walking down the street, I wondered if every white person I saw was secretly a racist, and was saying hateful things to me in their minds.
I could go on and on about race. More than likely, I will in the future. Because race relations are very interesting to me. I think I'll do a series on race. Starting with interracial dating. Then maybe on to something like the dichotomy between the acceptable black people, and the ones that you don't make eye contact with on the train. Then maybe a blog about people who cant help being bigoted, and how we can help them. Oooh...and maybe one about other races (Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, etc.) and why are they constantly left out of race discussions....unless we're sterotyping them. And how it just might suck to be a white person, since any move you make--you can be called a racist...(which is why you shouldnt make racist moves, friend)
Oh, and white people who are discriminated against by other white people. Maybe I'm not qualified to write that one, since I have no clue as to why this happens or what lines are drawn (like how white people dont understand the light skin/dark skin debate. Or oil sheen.)
This just turned into a brainstorming session.
Back to a point (maybe not "the point"...but a point nonetheless), I was reading about a man who joined a skinhead organization because he was bullied and tormented by Black and Latino kinds in school. He had two sons. He said he didnt mind if his sons had friends of other races, because they were young, but he made sure he told them that their friends aren't going to end up like them. Their friends are going to grow up to be gangbangers.
really...???
There was another man who said "I knew a guy who was a Black Panther. He said he's didnt have a problem with white people, he just didn't want his daughter bringing home a white man. We're both racists, but we agreed on that"
This is how people think. This is what people are teaching their children. Listen to Prussian Blue or visit the National Vanguard website.
I know this is America, and people are free to think however they want to, and live their lives the way they choose (unless you're a conservative...) but how do we stop the spread of hatred? Are we just going to be a hateful nation forever?
And why do people invest so much time into hate?
And why does a nation of immigrants spend so much time trying to prevent others from enjoying the very same freedoms that their forefathers did?
And why does the "Land of the Free, Home of the Brave" constantly limit the freedoms of it's people and deny basic human rights to "free people." who have commited no crimes and have done no wrong.
"I’d thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away." - "Proud to be an American" Lee Greenwood
Monday, November 2, 2009
Thats Right, I Said It....
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like
It's better than yours"
I am a healthy 24 year old woman with no self control. So I have sex.
I know, I know..."what?? You can do that! You're not married! You dont plan on getting married until you're at LEAST 32...you dont even want kids. You should be celibate for the rest of your life..."
I know, I know.
I'm not about to divulge my "number", but I have had enough experience to...have experience, but not enough to be considered a whore. No, I'm not in a committed relationship. But...folks have needs...
So...how do you find someone to fulfill those needs, without putting yourself at risk by sleeping around with random folks?
I'm glad you asked.
I find that maintaining a fuckbuddy relationship is key to keeping everything right with the world. Thing about me though... I tend to have really long fuckbuddy relationships. Currently, I've been having sex with the same guy since March of 2008. In college, I had sex with the same guy on and off all four years, in between my relationships. A friend of mine, who hasnt gotten any in a while, asked me how I do it. I told her that it wasnt for everybody. Because it certainly isnt. This led me to some more self reflection time. How is it that I am able to have sex with someone for so long, and be completely detached emotionally?
"I can see youre on it,
You want me to teach thee
Techniques that freaks these boys,
It can't be bought,
Just know, thieves get caught,
Watch if your smart"
I think a part of it is the fact that I am extremely picky. It's not only limited to physical features either. I can see a tall, physically attractive man, acknowledge that he is indeed very attractive, and have absolutely no urge to even touch him. It happens often. I am really big on vibes and senses. I wholeheartedly believe that saying that a woman will know if she wants to have sex with you within the first 10 seconds of meeting you. With me, its more like 3 seconds. There arent very many men that pass the three second test, attractive or not. It's all about vibes. So when I find a guy that I am really physically attracted to, I am interested.
Maybe it's like a pheromone, testosterone type thing. I dunno. But when I feel it, I feel it. My gut feelings are always true. The men that I have maintained a successful sex-only relationship with are great guys. Have I had other sexual partners in the past besides the 3 main fuckbuddies in my life? Yes. Boyfriends too. But these guys didnt give me relationship vibes. I didnt have the urge to "relationship" them...I just had the urge to--well, you get it.
And before you start thinking "arent they just using you for sex?"....what am I using them for? Dont get me started on double standards...
Anyway, I think it all starts with your attitude about sex. You cant be all uptight about it. I've mentioned in a previous blog that sex life does not equal love life. The types of people that equate sex with love will never, EVER have successful fuckbuddy relationships. They would get hurt, emotionally. And this relationship is not about emotions. I've bonded with my fuckbuddies. We talk about things, we know things about each other. And if it werent just a FB (not FaceBook, people) relationship, they would be great guys to date. The current one is tall, handsome, fluent in 4 languages, travels the world often...Do we spend time together outside of the things we do? NO! Because that would start to constitute a relationship. Thats not our goal here....
I've only let him sleep in my bed twice. Thats because I was too tired to kick him out.
I wouldnt even say it's like a "friends with benefits" relationship. Because that also gets HELLA complicated. FB relationships are about simplicity. You get together. You have sex. That's it. Any holding/kissing/cuddling is out of courtesy. We're completely comfortable with each other. We are there for each other is dire times of need. But we limit our contact to all things sex related, and an occasional "Hey, do you know a way to get cheap plane tickets?" type of text. Its well known that sex complicates things. except for when there's nothing to complicate.
It also helps that my FBs have been very loyal. Its almost always a very regular thing. We're single people that need some lovin' from time to time. No harm in that, right? The only expectations? Enjoyable sex with a clean person who will either leave afterward, or not snore, so you can fall asleep. And share the cover if it's cold....but I tend to be a cover stealer. It's easy, and you dont have to worry about all of the BS that goes with relationships.
BS includes telling everyone about it. With relationships, you have to introduce him to your friends, they have to approve....not with a fuckbuddy. FBs are exempt from approval ratings from friends. And they should NEVER meet your family....dont want to have to explain that to daddy....
FB relationships are best when only a select few people meet him. Very briefly. If you so choose. But of course, he's not your friend or boyfriend, so he shouldnt hang out with your friends. I'm not even facebook friends with my current guy. Of course, his is public, so I check it just to make sure he doesnt have a girlfriend or something. I'm not a homewrecker.
Plus, no one needs to know anything, because it's no one's business. I tend to be very private. I dont willingly disclose information. Some call it coy. Some call it annoying. I say it keeps my business mine and no one else's. Thats why (some people) think I'm so innocent...
"Oh, once you get involved,
Everyone will look this way-so,
You must maintain your charm,
Same time maintain your halo,
Just get the perfect blend,
Plus what you have within,
Then next his eyes are squint,
Then he's picked up your scent"
Now that I've explained how a successful FB relationship requires turning your emotions off, why is it so easy to press the off button for me? It is because I see sex for as pleasure and nothing else? Not necessarily. I've had plenty of emotion filled sex. "I love you" sex. "I hate you" sex...etc.
Am I turning off my emotions so I wont feel hurt and used my men who only want sex with me?
This is probably a good time to confess...3 of the four main FBs I've had have now professed their love for me...but--I'M not the one getting all emotional here. I have those in check. So no...I feel fine.
Could my ability to turn off my emotions stem from an uneasy childhood with an emotionally unstable alcoholic mother? Probably.
Who knew so many things in your childhood have such deep effects in your adulthood?
Precisely why I'm never having kids.
One question I havent answered though....
What am I doing that keeps these men coming back...for years?
"I can teach you,
But I have to charge..."
"Milkshake" - Kelis
And they're like
It's better than yours"
I am a healthy 24 year old woman with no self control. So I have sex.
I know, I know..."what?? You can do that! You're not married! You dont plan on getting married until you're at LEAST 32...you dont even want kids. You should be celibate for the rest of your life..."
I know, I know.
I'm not about to divulge my "number", but I have had enough experience to...have experience, but not enough to be considered a whore. No, I'm not in a committed relationship. But...folks have needs...
So...how do you find someone to fulfill those needs, without putting yourself at risk by sleeping around with random folks?
I'm glad you asked.
I find that maintaining a fuckbuddy relationship is key to keeping everything right with the world. Thing about me though... I tend to have really long fuckbuddy relationships. Currently, I've been having sex with the same guy since March of 2008. In college, I had sex with the same guy on and off all four years, in between my relationships. A friend of mine, who hasnt gotten any in a while, asked me how I do it. I told her that it wasnt for everybody. Because it certainly isnt. This led me to some more self reflection time. How is it that I am able to have sex with someone for so long, and be completely detached emotionally?
"I can see youre on it,
You want me to teach thee
Techniques that freaks these boys,
It can't be bought,
Just know, thieves get caught,
Watch if your smart"
I think a part of it is the fact that I am extremely picky. It's not only limited to physical features either. I can see a tall, physically attractive man, acknowledge that he is indeed very attractive, and have absolutely no urge to even touch him. It happens often. I am really big on vibes and senses. I wholeheartedly believe that saying that a woman will know if she wants to have sex with you within the first 10 seconds of meeting you. With me, its more like 3 seconds. There arent very many men that pass the three second test, attractive or not. It's all about vibes. So when I find a guy that I am really physically attracted to, I am interested.
Maybe it's like a pheromone, testosterone type thing. I dunno. But when I feel it, I feel it. My gut feelings are always true. The men that I have maintained a successful sex-only relationship with are great guys. Have I had other sexual partners in the past besides the 3 main fuckbuddies in my life? Yes. Boyfriends too. But these guys didnt give me relationship vibes. I didnt have the urge to "relationship" them...I just had the urge to--well, you get it.
And before you start thinking "arent they just using you for sex?"....what am I using them for? Dont get me started on double standards...
Anyway, I think it all starts with your attitude about sex. You cant be all uptight about it. I've mentioned in a previous blog that sex life does not equal love life. The types of people that equate sex with love will never, EVER have successful fuckbuddy relationships. They would get hurt, emotionally. And this relationship is not about emotions. I've bonded with my fuckbuddies. We talk about things, we know things about each other. And if it werent just a FB (not FaceBook, people) relationship, they would be great guys to date. The current one is tall, handsome, fluent in 4 languages, travels the world often...Do we spend time together outside of the things we do? NO! Because that would start to constitute a relationship. Thats not our goal here....
I've only let him sleep in my bed twice. Thats because I was too tired to kick him out.
I wouldnt even say it's like a "friends with benefits" relationship. Because that also gets HELLA complicated. FB relationships are about simplicity. You get together. You have sex. That's it. Any holding/kissing/cuddling is out of courtesy. We're completely comfortable with each other. We are there for each other is dire times of need. But we limit our contact to all things sex related, and an occasional "Hey, do you know a way to get cheap plane tickets?" type of text. Its well known that sex complicates things. except for when there's nothing to complicate.
It also helps that my FBs have been very loyal. Its almost always a very regular thing. We're single people that need some lovin' from time to time. No harm in that, right? The only expectations? Enjoyable sex with a clean person who will either leave afterward, or not snore, so you can fall asleep. And share the cover if it's cold....but I tend to be a cover stealer. It's easy, and you dont have to worry about all of the BS that goes with relationships.
BS includes telling everyone about it. With relationships, you have to introduce him to your friends, they have to approve....not with a fuckbuddy. FBs are exempt from approval ratings from friends. And they should NEVER meet your family....dont want to have to explain that to daddy....
FB relationships are best when only a select few people meet him. Very briefly. If you so choose. But of course, he's not your friend or boyfriend, so he shouldnt hang out with your friends. I'm not even facebook friends with my current guy. Of course, his is public, so I check it just to make sure he doesnt have a girlfriend or something. I'm not a homewrecker.
Plus, no one needs to know anything, because it's no one's business. I tend to be very private. I dont willingly disclose information. Some call it coy. Some call it annoying. I say it keeps my business mine and no one else's. Thats why (some people) think I'm so innocent...
"Oh, once you get involved,
Everyone will look this way-so,
You must maintain your charm,
Same time maintain your halo,
Just get the perfect blend,
Plus what you have within,
Then next his eyes are squint,
Then he's picked up your scent"
Now that I've explained how a successful FB relationship requires turning your emotions off, why is it so easy to press the off button for me? It is because I see sex for as pleasure and nothing else? Not necessarily. I've had plenty of emotion filled sex. "I love you" sex. "I hate you" sex...etc.
Am I turning off my emotions so I wont feel hurt and used my men who only want sex with me?
This is probably a good time to confess...3 of the four main FBs I've had have now professed their love for me...but--I'M not the one getting all emotional here. I have those in check. So no...I feel fine.
Could my ability to turn off my emotions stem from an uneasy childhood with an emotionally unstable alcoholic mother? Probably.
Who knew so many things in your childhood have such deep effects in your adulthood?
Precisely why I'm never having kids.
One question I havent answered though....
What am I doing that keeps these men coming back...for years?
"I can teach you,
But I have to charge..."
"Milkshake" - Kelis
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Single In The City...
One thing about having a blog is that you have to determine just how personal you're going to get with it, because you never know who is reading.
A little while ago, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. We hadn't seen each other in a while, and, as always happens with women, the conversation turned to relationships. She went on about seeing an ex recently, how it was awkward, etc. Then she turned to me and said "So...what about you? I never hear you talk about any 'new boos'. Whats going on in your love life?"
What could I say? I told her the truth. Things are a little..."blah" in that department. In my world, a "love life" is completely different from a "sex life." Depending on who's reading, that is probably morally wrong.
But this is my blog. Not theirs.
So anyway, my love life is pretty much non existent. And without the fuckbuddy that I've had for the past year and a half, my sex life would be sporadic at best. When its up--its WAY up. When its down....it sucks. That's just how it is. What I have realized is that I am not the only person who is experiencing this lack of lovin'. While my friends and Sorors (sorority sisters for those unfamiliar with Black Greek life terms) from college are getting married and having babies every 13 seconds, I find myself with the "Single Ladies" crew.
I am 24 years old. I live in a city with almost 3million people. In the 2 years that I've been here, I've been on an actual date maybe...5 times at the most. Why? There are men who find me attractive (and make it widely known.) I'm smart, funny, interesting. So why am I, and so many other women in this city, single?
I might have a few answers.
**NOTE: Living the single life is great! I'm not complaining at all. I do NOT have ANY desire to be tied down at this point in my life. I have no one to answer to, don't have to devote my time to anyone other than myself, I can go and do and say anything I want. I can date around, come and go as I please. I'm just analyzing why I'm not juggling 4 boyfriends right now. That was another one of my life goals. Seriously, "juggling 4 men at once by the age of 24" was on my list. Of course I meant easily, without them knowing or suspecting as well. So lets get to why I dont have even one of those four...
1.) Meeting people - not as easy as it used to be.
"When you walk in the bar,
And you dressed like a star,
Rockin' your F me pumps.
And the men notice you,
With your Gucci bag crew,
Can't tell who he's lookin' to...."
A friend of mine got it right when he tweeted "THIS CITY IS SO DAMN ANTI-SOCIAL!!" Its true. People have already formed their cliques in high school and college. Meeting random people is hard, mainly because people are NOT trusting of others. We all walk around with our iPods in our ears, not making eye contact with anyone, and as soon as someone says something, we think the are trying to hustle us. Most of the time, they are. People in this city are excellent hustlers. Everyone knows that, and they dont want to be hassled or swindled, so they just ignore. Its a defense mechanism that everyone in this city has. When someone is trying to get your attention on the street, they are either trying to sell you something, get you to "donate" money, or they're tourists looking for directions. Either way, you dont want to waste time dealing with them. We take this attitude everywhere with us. The grocery store, coffee shops, even church. Even in seemingly social places, like bars or concerts, people go with their group, they stick to their group, and that group is non-inclusive of outsiders. We might see someone, and in our heads think "oh, he's attractive" and that's it. We dont talk because that person might think we're weird, or crazy, or not have time to talk. When you're on the train, if you try to talk to someone, you have to make it quick, because the next stop could be theirs...and when it says "doors closing"...the doors are really closing....
So how do you meet people in this city? I've learned that the best way to meet someone new is to meet them through someone else you know. Like they say, life is all about networking. I have a friend who always introduces me to people she knows, then walks off - leaving us to force awkward small talk. Sometimes it works....most of the time it doesnt. But it's a start.
2.) Whore it up, Slut it out...
"You're more than a fan
Looking for a man
But you end up with one night stands.
He could be your whole life
If you got past one night
But that part never comes out right.
In the morning, you're vexed
he's on to the next
And you didnt even get no taste
Dont be too upset
if they call you a skank
cause like the news, every day you get pressed"
Working for a nightclub has many perks. Free alcohol, free/express entry, a chance to party all the time...(You know you want to. PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TI-IME!!)
And for shits and giggles...
Anyway, the downside? Hangovers, loss of dignity, and lots of girls with low self esteem and unresolved daddy issues.
So, an attractive potential suitor can either stand at the bar with you while you sip on a cosmo (or Don Julio and Pineapple - my current weapon of choice) talking about how "not being racist is the new racism"...OR he can go to body shots with the girl with the fake breasts, nasty extentions, mini dress, and thigh high boots, who will subsequently give him a BJ in the bathroom for a line of coke.
I dont make these things up, people.
Even if that is an extreme case, my point is that men can be easily distracted by sex. Even those that aren't usually stick to the groups they came with, because no one is searching for a life mate at a nightclub. Which leads me to point 3.
3.) Your environment and you.
"Never miss a night,
Cuz your dream in life,
Is to be a footballers wife.
You don't like players,
That's what you say-a,
But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.
You don't like ballers,
They don't do nothing for ya,
But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller..."
I'm pretty convinced that most of my friends and I are single because we work in the nightclub industry. (Back to point #1- most of my friends here work in clubs. The only friends I have here outside of the industry, I either met through people who work in clubs, or are people I knew from before I moved here...) The nightclub industry is all about sex. We sell sex. The alcohol is a buffer. Our job is to convince people that if they come to our club, they will get laid. It's what it all boils down to. You will be with sexy people, who will be under the influence of alcohol, and will want to have sex. No where in that equation does the word "relationship" fit. In college, it was a social environment, everyone was there to get a degree and make friends, and find their place in the world. It was easy to meet, befriend, and date people. In the nightclub industry, there's so much sex being thrown at you, that there's no time to build any relationships. It's pretty destructive actually...
No one looks for a mate at a nightclub. It's absurd. Everyone is under some type of influence, so even if you meet someone and you strike up a conversation, and they seem interesting and you switch numbers, eventually you'll just find out it was all a lie, and they only talked to you because they were coked out of their mind, and you didnt know it because you dont know anything about coke and how people act when they're on it, and you were drunk anyway.
Not that it has happened to me before or anything...
Anyway, because of the perks, and my devotion to knowing the people I work with, I spend a great majority of my free time in a nightclub. Main reason why my sex life > love life. But, the same goes for other women though. If a woman spends most of her time at work, and everyone at her job is older, married, etc...she's not in an environment that facilitates interaction between clear headed single people. Maybe if I started hanging around my "element"...where I really could relate to people....
4.) Too beautiful for your own good.
"Don't be mad at me,
Cuz you're pushing thirty,
And your old tricks no longer work.."
This isnt something that can be changed. I actually have no idea how to even explain this.
I'll start this way...it always seems like the ugly guys have the most confidence. They will hit on any woman, out of their league or not. I have a friend who is stunningly gorgeous. She's tall, beautiful (i said that...), and has the best personality EVER. She has no enemies, she's a social butterfly, super intelligent, she's sweet as sugar....and she's single. It perplexes her, but it perplexes me more. I see guys, the way they look at her, they way they talk to her. It's like they are intimidated by her. She's so stunning, they stop short of asking her out. So she always ends up with these men who aren't worth her time. I'm always certain that a man will come along that is worthy of her, but it hasnt happened yet. I'm certain that men are passing her up to get to the slutty girls. She's not easy. And she shouldn't have to be.
"Without girls like you,
There'd be no fun,
We'd go to the club and not see anyone.
Without girls like you,
There's no nightlife,
All those men just go home to their wives..."
All in all, maybe we're just single because we truly want to be. Like I said before, I enjoy it. I don't want to be tied down right now at all. It's not so bad.
And it's also likely that I'm single because I might be a tad bit unapproachable. Maybe there's a bit of arrogance there...but really, my high and mighty attitude is a way to weed out the weak ones. Any man who is fearless enough to approach me automatically gets my attention, attractive or not.
I like assertive men.
"So dust off your fuck me pumps.." - "F- Me Pumps", Amy Winehouse.
**EDIT** After re-reading this, I realize this only speaks to why MY FRIENDS and I are single, and not really to other women in the city...sorry. I can be kinda self centered sometimes...
A little while ago, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. We hadn't seen each other in a while, and, as always happens with women, the conversation turned to relationships. She went on about seeing an ex recently, how it was awkward, etc. Then she turned to me and said "So...what about you? I never hear you talk about any 'new boos'. Whats going on in your love life?"
What could I say? I told her the truth. Things are a little..."blah" in that department. In my world, a "love life" is completely different from a "sex life." Depending on who's reading, that is probably morally wrong.
But this is my blog. Not theirs.
So anyway, my love life is pretty much non existent. And without the fuckbuddy that I've had for the past year and a half, my sex life would be sporadic at best. When its up--its WAY up. When its down....it sucks. That's just how it is. What I have realized is that I am not the only person who is experiencing this lack of lovin'. While my friends and Sorors (sorority sisters for those unfamiliar with Black Greek life terms) from college are getting married and having babies every 13 seconds, I find myself with the "Single Ladies" crew.
I am 24 years old. I live in a city with almost 3million people. In the 2 years that I've been here, I've been on an actual date maybe...5 times at the most. Why? There are men who find me attractive (and make it widely known.) I'm smart, funny, interesting. So why am I, and so many other women in this city, single?
I might have a few answers.
**NOTE: Living the single life is great! I'm not complaining at all. I do NOT have ANY desire to be tied down at this point in my life. I have no one to answer to, don't have to devote my time to anyone other than myself, I can go and do and say anything I want. I can date around, come and go as I please. I'm just analyzing why I'm not juggling 4 boyfriends right now. That was another one of my life goals. Seriously, "juggling 4 men at once by the age of 24" was on my list. Of course I meant easily, without them knowing or suspecting as well. So lets get to why I dont have even one of those four...
1.) Meeting people - not as easy as it used to be.
"When you walk in the bar,
And you dressed like a star,
Rockin' your F me pumps.
And the men notice you,
With your Gucci bag crew,
Can't tell who he's lookin' to...."
A friend of mine got it right when he tweeted "THIS CITY IS SO DAMN ANTI-SOCIAL!!" Its true. People have already formed their cliques in high school and college. Meeting random people is hard, mainly because people are NOT trusting of others. We all walk around with our iPods in our ears, not making eye contact with anyone, and as soon as someone says something, we think the are trying to hustle us. Most of the time, they are. People in this city are excellent hustlers. Everyone knows that, and they dont want to be hassled or swindled, so they just ignore. Its a defense mechanism that everyone in this city has. When someone is trying to get your attention on the street, they are either trying to sell you something, get you to "donate" money, or they're tourists looking for directions. Either way, you dont want to waste time dealing with them. We take this attitude everywhere with us. The grocery store, coffee shops, even church. Even in seemingly social places, like bars or concerts, people go with their group, they stick to their group, and that group is non-inclusive of outsiders. We might see someone, and in our heads think "oh, he's attractive" and that's it. We dont talk because that person might think we're weird, or crazy, or not have time to talk. When you're on the train, if you try to talk to someone, you have to make it quick, because the next stop could be theirs...and when it says "doors closing"...the doors are really closing....
So how do you meet people in this city? I've learned that the best way to meet someone new is to meet them through someone else you know. Like they say, life is all about networking. I have a friend who always introduces me to people she knows, then walks off - leaving us to force awkward small talk. Sometimes it works....most of the time it doesnt. But it's a start.
2.) Whore it up, Slut it out...
"You're more than a fan
Looking for a man
But you end up with one night stands.
He could be your whole life
If you got past one night
But that part never comes out right.
In the morning, you're vexed
he's on to the next
And you didnt even get no taste
Dont be too upset
if they call you a skank
cause like the news, every day you get pressed"
Working for a nightclub has many perks. Free alcohol, free/express entry, a chance to party all the time...(You know you want to. PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TI-IME!!)
And for shits and giggles...
Anyway, the downside? Hangovers, loss of dignity, and lots of girls with low self esteem and unresolved daddy issues.
Low Self Esteem + Unresolved Daddy Issues = SLUTS.
So, an attractive potential suitor can either stand at the bar with you while you sip on a cosmo (or Don Julio and Pineapple - my current weapon of choice) talking about how "not being racist is the new racism"...OR he can go to body shots with the girl with the fake breasts, nasty extentions, mini dress, and thigh high boots, who will subsequently give him a BJ in the bathroom for a line of coke.
I dont make these things up, people.
Even if that is an extreme case, my point is that men can be easily distracted by sex. Even those that aren't usually stick to the groups they came with, because no one is searching for a life mate at a nightclub. Which leads me to point 3.
3.) Your environment and you.
"Never miss a night,
Cuz your dream in life,
Is to be a footballers wife.
You don't like players,
That's what you say-a,
But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.
You don't like ballers,
They don't do nothing for ya,
But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller..."
I'm pretty convinced that most of my friends and I are single because we work in the nightclub industry. (Back to point #1- most of my friends here work in clubs. The only friends I have here outside of the industry, I either met through people who work in clubs, or are people I knew from before I moved here...) The nightclub industry is all about sex. We sell sex. The alcohol is a buffer. Our job is to convince people that if they come to our club, they will get laid. It's what it all boils down to. You will be with sexy people, who will be under the influence of alcohol, and will want to have sex. No where in that equation does the word "relationship" fit. In college, it was a social environment, everyone was there to get a degree and make friends, and find their place in the world. It was easy to meet, befriend, and date people. In the nightclub industry, there's so much sex being thrown at you, that there's no time to build any relationships. It's pretty destructive actually...
No one looks for a mate at a nightclub. It's absurd. Everyone is under some type of influence, so even if you meet someone and you strike up a conversation, and they seem interesting and you switch numbers, eventually you'll just find out it was all a lie, and they only talked to you because they were coked out of their mind, and you didnt know it because you dont know anything about coke and how people act when they're on it, and you were drunk anyway.
Not that it has happened to me before or anything...
Anyway, because of the perks, and my devotion to knowing the people I work with, I spend a great majority of my free time in a nightclub. Main reason why my sex life > love life. But, the same goes for other women though. If a woman spends most of her time at work, and everyone at her job is older, married, etc...she's not in an environment that facilitates interaction between clear headed single people. Maybe if I started hanging around my "element"...where I really could relate to people....
4.) Too beautiful for your own good.
"Don't be mad at me,
Cuz you're pushing thirty,
And your old tricks no longer work.."
This isnt something that can be changed. I actually have no idea how to even explain this.
I'll start this way...it always seems like the ugly guys have the most confidence. They will hit on any woman, out of their league or not. I have a friend who is stunningly gorgeous. She's tall, beautiful (i said that...), and has the best personality EVER. She has no enemies, she's a social butterfly, super intelligent, she's sweet as sugar....and she's single. It perplexes her, but it perplexes me more. I see guys, the way they look at her, they way they talk to her. It's like they are intimidated by her. She's so stunning, they stop short of asking her out. So she always ends up with these men who aren't worth her time. I'm always certain that a man will come along that is worthy of her, but it hasnt happened yet. I'm certain that men are passing her up to get to the slutty girls. She's not easy. And she shouldn't have to be.
"Without girls like you,
There'd be no fun,
We'd go to the club and not see anyone.
Without girls like you,
There's no nightlife,
All those men just go home to their wives..."
All in all, maybe we're just single because we truly want to be. Like I said before, I enjoy it. I don't want to be tied down right now at all. It's not so bad.
And it's also likely that I'm single because I might be a tad bit unapproachable. Maybe there's a bit of arrogance there...but really, my high and mighty attitude is a way to weed out the weak ones. Any man who is fearless enough to approach me automatically gets my attention, attractive or not.
I like assertive men.
"So dust off your fuck me pumps.." - "F- Me Pumps", Amy Winehouse.
**EDIT** After re-reading this, I realize this only speaks to why MY FRIENDS and I are single, and not really to other women in the city...sorry. I can be kinda self centered sometimes...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Disney Movies Mean More When You're 24...
Yesterday, I decided to create a blog.
Why?
Because I was having all of these thoughts. I needed to organize them. They were in my head, and they wouldn't go away, and these days, typing is easier than writing, so...I created a blog. And I ranted. Because ranting is what I do. And I changed my facebook status to "randomly started a blog".
And next thing I knew...people were interested.
Shouldnt have shocked me, because friends like to know what their friends are up to. But I wasnt really prepared to have 2 followers today (hey Syl and T!) Or to have people request the link, when I had nothing on this page but a rant...
I've edited my first post a little bit. I decided, since I named the blog "Insanity:The Musical", that I would create a musical theme. I promise it wasnt my intent at first. But, I listen to so much music, I often find myself relating song lyrics to life. Because Art imitates Life. Etc.
So, now that there are expectations associated with this, I'll try my best to prepare something to present on a regular basis. Or I'll just get on here and rant and maybe people will like it.
Do I really care?
Anyway...
"Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart"
People have been saying I look sad lately. I find it strange, because I dont feel sad. I wonder why this "sadness" is radiating outwards so much that people notice it, and react. I've always been a pretty chill person, and for the most part, I easily keep my emotions in check. It's easy for me to become a light switch, and turn it on and off. I've never been one to suppress, because I dont usually have to. I can choose to reeact, or I can decide emotional outbursts arent worth my time. Maybe I was born with it. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I dunno. But I feel just fine.
What worries me, is what if I really am sad, and everyone sees it but me?
Granted, I have no reason to be sad. I'm content. I may be confused and having a quarter life crisis. But it could be worse.
Wait...but what if I really am sad?
*pause*
There is a reason for this existential banter. It started when a friend of mine divulged that she had an existential crisis, where she questioned her purpose in life. We've all had times where we've felt like we were watching ourselves in a movie rather than living our lives. She was looking at her pictures on facebook, and didnt recognize herself. Well, she knew it was her...but she also knew (knows) that she's not that kind of girl. She's not the half naked (more like 5/6ths naked), drunk, party girl in those pictures. She's actually really chill, down to earth, has actual goals and aspirations, and enjoys quiet time...
"Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?"
Her dilemma - what if the girl in the pictures REALLY is her? What if she's the only person who doesnt know that she is that party girl? What if other people know her better than she knows herself? What if her "at work" party persona is the real her, and the "at home" baking cupcakes persona is the facade?
"Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside? "
Of course, that's not true, but there are points in life when we begin to question our roles. And when it gets to the point where you start to question if others see you the same way you see yourself, that's where you're losing your sense of self. That's when you have come to the place where you feel like you're being pulled in two directions, and you have to learn that you are the one who's in control.
We can't lose control. We have to learn to define ourselves.
Dammit, I'm happy.
"Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?" - "Reflection" Christina Aguilera ("Mulan" Soundtrack)
Why?
Because I was having all of these thoughts. I needed to organize them. They were in my head, and they wouldn't go away, and these days, typing is easier than writing, so...I created a blog. And I ranted. Because ranting is what I do. And I changed my facebook status to "randomly started a blog".
And next thing I knew...people were interested.
Shouldnt have shocked me, because friends like to know what their friends are up to. But I wasnt really prepared to have 2 followers today (hey Syl and T!) Or to have people request the link, when I had nothing on this page but a rant...
I've edited my first post a little bit. I decided, since I named the blog "Insanity:The Musical", that I would create a musical theme. I promise it wasnt my intent at first. But, I listen to so much music, I often find myself relating song lyrics to life. Because Art imitates Life. Etc.
So, now that there are expectations associated with this, I'll try my best to prepare something to present on a regular basis. Or I'll just get on here and rant and maybe people will like it.
Do I really care?
Anyway...
"Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart"
People have been saying I look sad lately. I find it strange, because I dont feel sad. I wonder why this "sadness" is radiating outwards so much that people notice it, and react. I've always been a pretty chill person, and for the most part, I easily keep my emotions in check. It's easy for me to become a light switch, and turn it on and off. I've never been one to suppress, because I dont usually have to. I can choose to reeact, or I can decide emotional outbursts arent worth my time. Maybe I was born with it. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I dunno. But I feel just fine.
What worries me, is what if I really am sad, and everyone sees it but me?
Granted, I have no reason to be sad. I'm content. I may be confused and having a quarter life crisis. But it could be worse.
Wait...but what if I really am sad?
*pause*
There is a reason for this existential banter. It started when a friend of mine divulged that she had an existential crisis, where she questioned her purpose in life. We've all had times where we've felt like we were watching ourselves in a movie rather than living our lives. She was looking at her pictures on facebook, and didnt recognize herself. Well, she knew it was her...but she also knew (knows) that she's not that kind of girl. She's not the half naked (more like 5/6ths naked), drunk, party girl in those pictures. She's actually really chill, down to earth, has actual goals and aspirations, and enjoys quiet time...
"Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?"
Her dilemma - what if the girl in the pictures REALLY is her? What if she's the only person who doesnt know that she is that party girl? What if other people know her better than she knows herself? What if her "at work" party persona is the real her, and the "at home" baking cupcakes persona is the facade?
"Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside? "
Of course, that's not true, but there are points in life when we begin to question our roles. And when it gets to the point where you start to question if others see you the same way you see yourself, that's where you're losing your sense of self. That's when you have come to the place where you feel like you're being pulled in two directions, and you have to learn that you are the one who's in control.
We can't lose control. We have to learn to define ourselves.
Dammit, I'm happy.
"Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?" - "Reflection" Christina Aguilera ("Mulan" Soundtrack)
Monday, October 26, 2009
My first blog - Since the Crisis Started
"Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?"
There was a time, in college, when I had a Xanga blog. Things were different back then. I had a boyfriend, I was a freshman in college. Things were new, exciting, I was happy, I had a meal plan... I would write about my days, my little issues with my "relationship", friends, social life, etc.
Then, I grew out of it.
I stopped writing in my online diary. Said boyfriend and I broke up. My college life, social life, and growing responsibilities got to me. And I eventually deleted that Xanga page.
Would I go back to it? No. I dont even want to read it. I was a totally different person then. If I had known then what I know now...
"Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?"
Ugh. Life is hard. It's been especially hard since the crisis started. The Quarter Life Crisis. Things were great. Then I started doing things. Odd things. I wasn't satisfied with the way my life was going. So I moved from Nashville to Chicago. Got a job in a nightclub. I started studying for grad school, I applied to the Peace Corps...
Where am I now?
Halfway through a GMAT study guide.
Staring at a Peace Corps rejection letter
Sitting in the basement of a nightclub...typing away with "Office Manager" on my business card, like it's supposed to bring me some sort of validation.
Where do I go from here? Is there a future in the nightclub industry? Sure...it either involves partying until your liver falls out of your butt, or finding a way to beat the system and "move up"....but I'm pretty sure I've hit the bulletproof, super enforced glass ceiling.
As for business school...yes, it's in my future. Immediate future, I dont know. Do I really want to start school, just to get out into the corporate world, and find myself stuck working. I'm always working....
What do I really want to do? Travel. Explore. Expose myself to something new. New cultures, new languages, to the world. Make a difference, help others, meet people, make friends, connect, blah blah blah. I sound like every other 24 year old in this country.
Apparently thats what the Peace Corps thinks too, because they sure as hell told me I wasnt qualified.
Me?
The one who was 1st VP of her sorority, devoted herself to a lifetime of public service, will volunteer at the drop of a hat, who has more work ethic than anyone (scratch the fact that I'm writing this at work)...
So, slightly (...or a lot-ly) offended, and never taking no for an answer, I tore myself out of bed at 7am (oh, it hurt, so much) and marched myself down to the regional office, just for them to tell me that I sound like every other applicant out there, and I really need to set myself apart.
So...here lies my dilemma.
I have too many interests in life. I would be happy doing lots of things. Sociology, Sex Therapy, Music Business and Entertainment, Marketing, Family Planning and Health Outreach.... But right now, I have an interest in international business and foreign affairs. I would like to pursue an MBA in international business. I would like to join Peace Corps. I would like to say "fuck it all" and move to Amsterdam, like my best friend did. I would like to find some rich Parisian stockbroker and marry him. I would like to do a lot of things....but where do I start?
It doesnt help that I have a degree in Music Business (this Marketing minor might save me), and I'm currently working as an Office Manager (Director of Administration!) in a nightclub....
Peace Corps tells me I need to focus on areas where they really need people. Health Outreach (HIV/AIDS, family planning, etc.) I can do that. Planned Parenthood is one of the only orgs. that I donate to. Hell, I live right next door to one. Maybe I can volunteer there. I also need to up my Spanish game. Invest in Rosetta Stone, take a class or something. Totally willing. Option A.
Option B. - Extreme Grad School Preparation part 2. I already started this MBA preparation a while ago, until Peace Corps came and distracted me. Everything I do to prepare for Peace Corps will be extremely beneficial to my MBA application anyway. Especially with my mediocre (3.0) GPA and undergrad major.
Option C. - Chill the fuck out and see where this goes. I'm only 24. Granted, every other week, someone I know is getting married, or having a child, and I always thought that by the time I was 24, I'd be living the luxe life in some Manhattan high rise...but hey...how many people are automatically VIP when they step into some of the best nightclubs in the city?
Sometimes, I wish things like that really mattered to me.
I feel like my first mistake in life was not going to a school that had major name recognition. Like UofM. Or Howard. Or NYU. Or even responding to that letter I got from Harvard.
Yeah, they only sent me a letter because I was black and a female. So what? Did you get a letter from Harvard in high school?
Anyway, second mistake = not majoring in something I could actually use. Third mistake = not networking enough, 4th= not interning at reputable companies (and just interning at Sony/BMG which eventually closed their Detroit office anyway)...
"Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we'll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be"
So yes. I'm doing "ok". I have a job. One that give me a hell of a lot of freedom (who else can show up hungover with 2hrs of sleep, and it be perfectly ok?) One that pays pretty decent money. One that has indeed, taught me very valuable skills (yes, ones that are actually transferable to other careers). One that has introduced me to some amazing people, and even better friends. One that allows a healthy (?) balance of work and play...
I created this blog about an hour ago. Why? Do I want to discuss current affairs? Do I want to focus on fashion or relationships or advice or celebrity gossip or comedic social commentary? Or do I just want to rant about my life? Where am I going with this?
I've decided that this blog will follow my life. I dont know where I'm going with it. I dont know where I'm going with this blog. Once one starts to take direction, so will the other.
"Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?" Theme From Mahogany - Diana Ross
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?"
There was a time, in college, when I had a Xanga blog. Things were different back then. I had a boyfriend, I was a freshman in college. Things were new, exciting, I was happy, I had a meal plan... I would write about my days, my little issues with my "relationship", friends, social life, etc.
Then, I grew out of it.
I stopped writing in my online diary. Said boyfriend and I broke up. My college life, social life, and growing responsibilities got to me. And I eventually deleted that Xanga page.
Would I go back to it? No. I dont even want to read it. I was a totally different person then. If I had known then what I know now...
"Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?"
Ugh. Life is hard. It's been especially hard since the crisis started. The Quarter Life Crisis. Things were great. Then I started doing things. Odd things. I wasn't satisfied with the way my life was going. So I moved from Nashville to Chicago. Got a job in a nightclub. I started studying for grad school, I applied to the Peace Corps...
Where am I now?
Halfway through a GMAT study guide.
Staring at a Peace Corps rejection letter
Sitting in the basement of a nightclub...typing away with "Office Manager" on my business card, like it's supposed to bring me some sort of validation.
Where do I go from here? Is there a future in the nightclub industry? Sure...it either involves partying until your liver falls out of your butt, or finding a way to beat the system and "move up"....but I'm pretty sure I've hit the bulletproof, super enforced glass ceiling.
As for business school...yes, it's in my future. Immediate future, I dont know. Do I really want to start school, just to get out into the corporate world, and find myself stuck working. I'm always working....
What do I really want to do? Travel. Explore. Expose myself to something new. New cultures, new languages, to the world. Make a difference, help others, meet people, make friends, connect, blah blah blah. I sound like every other 24 year old in this country.
Apparently thats what the Peace Corps thinks too, because they sure as hell told me I wasnt qualified.
Me?
The one who was 1st VP of her sorority, devoted herself to a lifetime of public service, will volunteer at the drop of a hat, who has more work ethic than anyone (scratch the fact that I'm writing this at work)...
So, slightly (...or a lot-ly) offended, and never taking no for an answer, I tore myself out of bed at 7am (oh, it hurt, so much) and marched myself down to the regional office, just for them to tell me that I sound like every other applicant out there, and I really need to set myself apart.
So...here lies my dilemma.
I have too many interests in life. I would be happy doing lots of things. Sociology, Sex Therapy, Music Business and Entertainment, Marketing, Family Planning and Health Outreach.... But right now, I have an interest in international business and foreign affairs. I would like to pursue an MBA in international business. I would like to join Peace Corps. I would like to say "fuck it all" and move to Amsterdam, like my best friend did. I would like to find some rich Parisian stockbroker and marry him. I would like to do a lot of things....but where do I start?
It doesnt help that I have a degree in Music Business (this Marketing minor might save me), and I'm currently working as an Office Manager (Director of Administration!) in a nightclub....
Peace Corps tells me I need to focus on areas where they really need people. Health Outreach (HIV/AIDS, family planning, etc.) I can do that. Planned Parenthood is one of the only orgs. that I donate to. Hell, I live right next door to one. Maybe I can volunteer there. I also need to up my Spanish game. Invest in Rosetta Stone, take a class or something. Totally willing. Option A.
Option B. - Extreme Grad School Preparation part 2. I already started this MBA preparation a while ago, until Peace Corps came and distracted me. Everything I do to prepare for Peace Corps will be extremely beneficial to my MBA application anyway. Especially with my mediocre (3.0) GPA and undergrad major.
Option C. - Chill the fuck out and see where this goes. I'm only 24. Granted, every other week, someone I know is getting married, or having a child, and I always thought that by the time I was 24, I'd be living the luxe life in some Manhattan high rise...but hey...how many people are automatically VIP when they step into some of the best nightclubs in the city?
Sometimes, I wish things like that really mattered to me.
I feel like my first mistake in life was not going to a school that had major name recognition. Like UofM. Or Howard. Or NYU. Or even responding to that letter I got from Harvard.
Yeah, they only sent me a letter because I was black and a female. So what? Did you get a letter from Harvard in high school?
Anyway, second mistake = not majoring in something I could actually use. Third mistake = not networking enough, 4th= not interning at reputable companies (and just interning at Sony/BMG which eventually closed their Detroit office anyway)...
"Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we'll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be"
So yes. I'm doing "ok". I have a job. One that give me a hell of a lot of freedom (who else can show up hungover with 2hrs of sleep, and it be perfectly ok?) One that pays pretty decent money. One that has indeed, taught me very valuable skills (yes, ones that are actually transferable to other careers). One that has introduced me to some amazing people, and even better friends. One that allows a healthy (?) balance of work and play...
I created this blog about an hour ago. Why? Do I want to discuss current affairs? Do I want to focus on fashion or relationships or advice or celebrity gossip or comedic social commentary? Or do I just want to rant about my life? Where am I going with this?
I've decided that this blog will follow my life. I dont know where I'm going with it. I dont know where I'm going with this blog. Once one starts to take direction, so will the other.
"Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?" Theme From Mahogany - Diana Ross
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