Single In The City...

One thing about having a blog is that you have to determine just how personal you're going to get with it, because you never know who is reading.

A little while ago, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. We hadn't seen each other in a while, and, as always happens with women, the conversation turned to relationships. She went on about seeing an ex recently, how it was awkward, etc. Then she turned to me and said "So...what about you? I never hear you talk about any 'new boos'. Whats going on in your love life?"

What could I say? I told her the truth. Things are a little..."blah" in that department. In my world, a "love life" is completely different from a "sex life." Depending on who's reading, that is probably morally wrong.

But this is my blog. Not theirs.

So anyway, my love life is pretty much non existent. And without the fuckbuddy that I've had for the past year and a half, my sex life would be sporadic at best. When its up--its WAY up. When its down....it sucks. That's just how it is. What I have realized is that I am not the only person who is experiencing this lack of lovin'. While my friends and Sorors (sorority sisters for those unfamiliar with Black Greek life terms) from college are getting married and having babies every 13 seconds, I find myself with the "Single Ladies" crew.

I am 24 years old. I live in a city with almost 3million people. In the 2 years that I've been here, I've been on an actual date maybe...5 times at the most. Why? There are men who find me attractive (and make it widely known.) I'm smart, funny, interesting. So why am I, and so many other women in this city, single?

I might have a few answers.

**NOTE: Living the single life is great! I'm not complaining at all. I do NOT have ANY desire to be tied down at this point in my life. I have no one to answer to, don't have to devote my time to anyone other than myself, I can go and do and say anything I want. I can date around, come and go as I please. I'm just analyzing why I'm not juggling 4 boyfriends right now. That was another one of my life goals. Seriously, "juggling 4 men at once by the age of 24" was on my list. Of course I meant easily, without them knowing or suspecting as well. So lets get to why I dont have even one of those four...


1.) Meeting people - not as easy as it used to be.

"When you walk in the bar,
And you dressed like a star,
Rockin' your F me pumps.

And the men notice you,
With your Gucci bag crew,
Can't tell who he's lookin' to...."

A friend of mine got it right when he tweeted "THIS CITY IS SO DAMN ANTI-SOCIAL!!" Its true. People have already formed their cliques in high school and college. Meeting random people is hard, mainly because people are NOT trusting of others. We all walk around with our iPods in our ears, not making eye contact with anyone, and as soon as someone says something, we think the are trying to hustle us. Most of the time, they are. People in this city are excellent hustlers. Everyone knows that, and they dont want to be hassled or swindled, so they just ignore. Its a defense mechanism that everyone in this city has. When someone is trying to get your attention on the street, they are either trying to sell you something, get you to "donate" money, or they're tourists looking for directions. Either way, you dont want to waste time dealing with them. We take this attitude everywhere with us. The grocery store, coffee shops, even church. Even in seemingly social places, like bars or concerts, people go with their group, they stick to their group, and that group is non-inclusive of outsiders. We might see someone, and in our heads think "oh, he's attractive" and that's it. We dont talk because that person might think we're weird, or crazy, or not have time to talk. When you're on the train, if you try to talk to someone, you have to make it quick, because the next stop could be theirs...and when it says "doors closing"...the doors are really closing....

So how do you meet people in this city? I've learned that the best way to meet someone new is to meet them through someone else you know. Like they say, life is all about networking. I have a friend who always introduces me to people she knows, then walks off - leaving us to force awkward small talk. Sometimes it works....most of the time it doesnt. But it's a start.

2.) Whore it up, Slut it out...

"You're more than a fan
Looking for a man
But you end up with one night stands.

He could be your whole life
If you got past one night
But that part never comes out right.

In the morning, you're vexed
he's on to the next
And you didnt even get no taste

Dont be too upset
if they call you a skank
cause like the news, every day you get pressed"

Working for a nightclub has many perks. Free alcohol, free/express entry, a chance to party all the time...(You know you want to. PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TI-IME!!)

And for shits and giggles...

Anyway, the downside? Hangovers, loss of dignity, and lots of girls with low self esteem and unresolved daddy issues.

Low Self Esteem + Unresolved Daddy Issues = SLUTS.

So, an attractive potential suitor can either stand at the bar with you while you sip on a cosmo (or Don Julio and Pineapple - my current weapon of choice) talking about how "not being racist is the new racism"...OR he can go to body shots with the girl with the fake breasts, nasty extentions, mini dress, and thigh high boots, who will subsequently give him a BJ in the bathroom for a line of coke.

I dont make these things up, people.

Even if that is an extreme case, my point is that men can be easily distracted by sex. Even those that aren't usually stick to the groups they came with, because no one is searching for a life mate at a nightclub. Which leads me to point 3.

3.) Your environment and you.

"Never miss a night,
Cuz your dream in life,
Is to be a footballers wife.
You don't like players,
That's what you say-a,
But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.

You don't like ballers,
They don't do nothing for ya,
But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller..."

I'm pretty convinced that most of my friends and I are single because we work in the nightclub industry. (Back to point #1- most of my friends here work in clubs. The only friends I have here outside of the industry, I either met through people who work in clubs, or are people I knew from before I moved here...) The nightclub industry is all about sex. We sell sex. The alcohol is a buffer. Our job is to convince people that if they come to our club, they will get laid. It's what it all boils down to. You will be with sexy people, who will be under the influence of alcohol, and will want to have sex. No where in that equation does the word "relationship" fit. In college, it was a social environment, everyone was there to get a degree and make friends, and find their place in the world. It was easy to meet, befriend, and date people. In the nightclub industry, there's so much sex being thrown at you, that there's no time to build any relationships. It's pretty destructive actually...

No one looks for a mate at a nightclub. It's absurd. Everyone is under some type of influence, so even if you meet someone and you strike up a conversation, and they seem interesting and you switch numbers, eventually you'll just find out it was all a lie, and they only talked to you because they were coked out of their mind, and you didnt know it because you dont know anything about coke and how people act when they're on it, and you were drunk anyway.

Not that it has happened to me before or anything...

Anyway, because of the perks, and my devotion to knowing the people I work with, I spend a great majority of my free time in a nightclub. Main reason why my sex life > love life. But, the same goes for other women though. If a woman spends most of her time at work, and everyone at her job is older, married, etc...she's not in an environment that facilitates interaction between clear headed single people. Maybe if I started hanging around my "element"...where I really could relate to people....

4.) Too beautiful for your own good.

"Don't be mad at me,
Cuz you're pushing thirty,
And your old tricks no longer work.."

This isnt something that can be changed. I actually have no idea how to even explain this.

I'll start this way...it always seems like the ugly guys have the most confidence. They will hit on any woman, out of their league or not. I have a friend who is stunningly gorgeous. She's tall, beautiful (i said that...), and has the best personality EVER. She has no enemies, she's a social butterfly, super intelligent, she's sweet as sugar....and she's single. It perplexes her, but it perplexes me more. I see guys, the way they look at her, they way they talk to her. It's like they are intimidated by her. She's so stunning, they stop short of asking her out. So she always ends up with these men who aren't worth her time. I'm always certain that a man will come along that is worthy of her, but it hasnt happened yet. I'm certain that men are passing her up to get to the slutty girls. She's not easy. And she shouldn't have to be.

"Without girls like you,
There'd be no fun,
We'd go to the club and not see anyone.

Without girls like you,
There's no nightlife,
All those men just go home to their wives..."

All in all, maybe we're just single because we truly want to be. Like I said before, I enjoy it. I don't want to be tied down right now at all. It's not so bad.

And it's also likely that I'm single because I might be a tad bit unapproachable. Maybe there's a bit of arrogance there...but really, my high and mighty attitude is a way to weed out the weak ones. Any man who is fearless enough to approach me automatically gets my attention, attractive or not.

I like assertive men.

"So dust off your fuck me pumps.." - "F- Me Pumps", Amy Winehouse.

**EDIT** After re-reading this, I realize this only speaks to why MY FRIENDS and I are single, and not really to other women in the city...sorry. I can be kinda self centered sometimes...

Disney Movies Mean More When You're 24...

Yesterday, I decided to create a blog.

Why?

Because I was having all of these thoughts. I needed to organize them. They were in my head, and they wouldn't go away, and these days, typing is easier than writing, so...I created a blog. And I ranted. Because ranting is what I do. And I changed my facebook status to "randomly started a blog".

And next thing I knew...people were interested.

Shouldnt have shocked me, because friends like to know what their friends are up to. But I wasnt really prepared to have 2 followers today (hey Syl and T!) Or to have people request the link, when I had nothing on this page but a rant...

I've edited my first post a little bit. I decided, since I named the blog "Insanity:The Musical", that I would create a musical theme. I promise it wasnt my intent at first. But, I listen to so much music, I often find myself relating song lyrics to life. Because Art imitates Life. Etc.

So, now that there are expectations associated with this, I'll try my best to prepare something to present on a regular basis. Or I'll just get on here and rant and maybe people will like it.

Do I really care?

Anyway...


"Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart"

People have been saying I look sad lately. I find it strange, because I dont feel sad. I wonder why this "sadness" is radiating outwards so much that people notice it, and react. I've always been a pretty chill person, and for the most part, I easily keep my emotions in check. It's easy for me to become a light switch, and turn it on and off. I've never been one to suppress, because I dont usually have to. I can choose to reeact, or I can decide emotional outbursts arent worth my time. Maybe I was born with it. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I dunno. But I feel just fine.

What worries me, is what if I really am sad, and everyone sees it but me?

Granted, I have no reason to be sad. I'm content. I may be confused and having a quarter life crisis. But it could be worse.

Wait...but what if I really am sad?

*pause*

There is a reason for this existential banter. It started when a friend of mine divulged that she had an existential crisis, where she questioned her purpose in life. We've all had times where we've felt like we were watching ourselves in a movie rather than living our lives. She was looking at her pictures on facebook, and didnt recognize herself. Well, she knew it was her...but she also knew (knows) that she's not that kind of girl. She's not the half naked (more like 5/6ths naked), drunk, party girl in those pictures. She's actually really chill, down to earth, has actual goals and aspirations, and enjoys quiet time...


"Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?"


Her dilemma - what if the girl in the pictures REALLY is her? What if she's the only person who doesnt know that she is that party girl? What if other people know her better than she knows herself? What if her "at work" party persona is the real her, and the "at home" baking cupcakes persona is the facade?

"Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside? "

Of course, that's not true, but there are points in life when we begin to question our roles. And when it gets to the point where you start to question if others see you the same way you see yourself, that's where you're losing your sense of self. That's when you have come to the place where you feel like you're being pulled in two directions, and you have to learn that you are the one who's in control.

We can't lose control. We have to learn to define ourselves.

Dammit, I'm happy.


"Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?" - "Reflection" Christina Aguilera ("Mulan" Soundtrack)

My first blog - Since the Crisis Started

"Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?"

There was a time, in college, when I had a Xanga blog. Things were different back then. I had a boyfriend, I was a freshman in college. Things were new, exciting, I was happy, I had a meal plan... I would write about my days, my little issues with my "relationship", friends, social life, etc.

Then, I grew out of it.

I stopped writing in my online diary. Said boyfriend and I broke up. My college life, social life, and growing responsibilities got to me. And I eventually deleted that Xanga page.

Would I go back to it? No. I dont even want to read it. I was a totally different person then. If I had known then what I know now...

"Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?"

Ugh. Life is hard. It's been especially hard since the crisis started. The Quarter Life Crisis. Things were great. Then I started doing things. Odd things. I wasn't satisfied with the way my life was going. So I moved from Nashville to Chicago. Got a job in a nightclub. I started studying for grad school, I applied to the Peace Corps...

Where am I now?

Halfway through a GMAT study guide.
Staring at a Peace Corps rejection letter
Sitting in the basement of a nightclub...typing away with "Office Manager" on my business card, like it's supposed to bring me some sort of validation.

Where do I go from here? Is there a future in the nightclub industry? Sure...it either involves partying until your liver falls out of your butt, or finding a way to beat the system and "move up"....but I'm pretty sure I've hit the bulletproof, super enforced glass ceiling.

As for business school...yes, it's in my future. Immediate future, I dont know. Do I really want to start school, just to get out into the corporate world, and find myself stuck working. I'm always working....

What do I really want to do? Travel. Explore. Expose myself to something new. New cultures, new languages, to the world. Make a difference, help others, meet people, make friends, connect, blah blah blah. I sound like every other 24 year old in this country.

Apparently thats what the Peace Corps thinks too, because they sure as hell told me I wasnt qualified.

Me?

The one who was 1st VP of her sorority, devoted herself to a lifetime of public service, will volunteer at the drop of a hat, who has more work ethic than anyone (scratch the fact that I'm writing this at work)...

So, slightly (...or a lot-ly) offended, and never taking no for an answer, I tore myself out of bed at 7am (oh, it hurt, so much) and marched myself down to the regional office, just for them to tell me that I sound like every other applicant out there, and I really need to set myself apart.

So...here lies my dilemma.

I have too many interests in life. I would be happy doing lots of things. Sociology, Sex Therapy, Music Business and Entertainment, Marketing, Family Planning and Health Outreach.... But right now, I have an interest in international business and foreign affairs. I would like to pursue an MBA in international business. I would like to join Peace Corps. I would like to say "fuck it all" and move to Amsterdam, like my best friend did. I would like to find some rich Parisian stockbroker and marry him. I would like to do a lot of things....but where do I start?

It doesnt help that I have a degree in Music Business (this Marketing minor might save me), and I'm currently working as an Office Manager (Director of Administration!) in a nightclub....

Peace Corps tells me I need to focus on areas where they really need people. Health Outreach (HIV/AIDS, family planning, etc.) I can do that. Planned Parenthood is one of the only orgs. that I donate to. Hell, I live right next door to one. Maybe I can volunteer there. I also need to up my Spanish game. Invest in Rosetta Stone, take a class or something. Totally willing. Option A.

Option B. - Extreme Grad School Preparation part 2. I already started this MBA preparation a while ago, until Peace Corps came and distracted me. Everything I do to prepare for Peace Corps will be extremely beneficial to my MBA application anyway. Especially with my mediocre (3.0) GPA and undergrad major.

Option C. - Chill the fuck out and see where this goes. I'm only 24. Granted, every other week, someone I know is getting married, or having a child, and I always thought that by the time I was 24, I'd be living the luxe life in some Manhattan high rise...but hey...how many people are automatically VIP when they step into some of the best nightclubs in the city?

Sometimes, I wish things like that really mattered to me.

I feel like my first mistake in life was not going to a school that had major name recognition. Like UofM. Or Howard. Or NYU. Or even responding to that letter I got from Harvard.

Yeah, they only sent me a letter because I was black and a female. So what? Did you get a letter from Harvard in high school?

Anyway, second mistake = not majoring in something I could actually use. Third mistake = not networking enough, 4th= not interning at reputable companies (and just interning at Sony/BMG which eventually closed their Detroit office anyway)...

"Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we'll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be"

So yes. I'm doing "ok". I have a job. One that give me a hell of a lot of freedom (who else can show up hungover with 2hrs of sleep, and it be perfectly ok?) One that pays pretty decent money. One that has indeed, taught me very valuable skills (yes, ones that are actually transferable to other careers). One that has introduced me to some amazing people, and even better friends. One that allows a healthy (?) balance of work and play...


I created this blog about an hour ago. Why? Do I want to discuss current affairs? Do I want to focus on fashion or relationships or advice or celebrity gossip or comedic social commentary? Or do I just want to rant about my life? Where am I going with this?

I've decided that this blog will follow my life. I dont know where I'm going with it. I dont know where I'm going with this blog. Once one starts to take direction, so will the other.

"Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?" Theme From Mahogany - Diana Ross