A little while ago, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. We hadn't seen each other in a while, and, as always happens with women, the conversation turned to relationships. She went on about seeing an ex recently, how it was awkward, etc. Then she turned to me and said "So...what about you? I never hear you talk about any 'new boos'. Whats going on in your love life?"
What could I say? I told her the truth. Things are a little..."blah" in that department. In my world, a "love life" is completely different from a "sex life." Depending on who's reading, that is probably morally wrong.
But this is my blog. Not theirs.
So anyway, my love life is pretty much non existent. And without the fuckbuddy that I've had for the past year and a half, my sex life would be sporadic at best. When its up--its WAY up. When its down....it sucks. That's just how it is. What I have realized is that I am not the only person who is experiencing this lack of lovin'. While my friends and Sorors (sorority sisters for those unfamiliar with Black Greek life terms) from college are getting married and having babies every 13 seconds, I find myself with the "Single Ladies" crew.
I am 24 years old. I live in a city with almost 3million people. In the 2 years that I've been here, I've been on an actual date maybe...5 times at the most. Why? There are men who find me attractive (and make it widely known.) I'm smart, funny, interesting. So why am I, and so many other women in this city, single?
I might have a few answers.
**NOTE: Living the single life is great! I'm not complaining at all. I do NOT have ANY desire to be tied down at this point in my life. I have no one to answer to, don't have to devote my time to anyone other than myself, I can go and do and say anything I want. I can date around, come and go as I please. I'm just analyzing why I'm not juggling 4 boyfriends right now. That was another one of my life goals. Seriously, "juggling 4 men at once by the age of 24" was on my list. Of course I meant easily, without them knowing or suspecting as well. So lets get to why I dont have even one of those four...
1.) Meeting people - not as easy as it used to be.
"When you walk in the bar,
And you dressed like a star,
Rockin' your F me pumps.
And the men notice you,
With your Gucci bag crew,
Can't tell who he's lookin' to...."
A friend of mine got it right when he tweeted "THIS CITY IS SO DAMN ANTI-SOCIAL!!" Its true. People have already formed their cliques in high school and college. Meeting random people is hard, mainly because people are NOT trusting of others. We all walk around with our iPods in our ears, not making eye contact with anyone, and as soon as someone says something, we think the are trying to hustle us. Most of the time, they are. People in this city are excellent hustlers. Everyone knows that, and they dont want to be hassled or swindled, so they just ignore. Its a defense mechanism that everyone in this city has. When someone is trying to get your attention on the street, they are either trying to sell you something, get you to "donate" money, or they're tourists looking for directions. Either way, you dont want to waste time dealing with them. We take this attitude everywhere with us. The grocery store, coffee shops, even church. Even in seemingly social places, like bars or concerts, people go with their group, they stick to their group, and that group is non-inclusive of outsiders. We might see someone, and in our heads think "oh, he's attractive" and that's it. We dont talk because that person might think we're weird, or crazy, or not have time to talk. When you're on the train, if you try to talk to someone, you have to make it quick, because the next stop could be theirs...and when it says "doors closing"...the doors are really closing....
So how do you meet people in this city? I've learned that the best way to meet someone new is to meet them through someone else you know. Like they say, life is all about networking. I have a friend who always introduces me to people she knows, then walks off - leaving us to force awkward small talk. Sometimes it works....most of the time it doesnt. But it's a start.
2.) Whore it up, Slut it out...
"You're more than a fan
Looking for a man
But you end up with one night stands.
He could be your whole life
If you got past one night
But that part never comes out right.
In the morning, you're vexed
he's on to the next
And you didnt even get no taste
Dont be too upset
if they call you a skank
cause like the news, every day you get pressed"
Working for a nightclub has many perks. Free alcohol, free/express entry, a chance to party all the time...(You know you want to. PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TI-IME!!)
And for shits and giggles...
Anyway, the downside? Hangovers, loss of dignity, and lots of girls with low self esteem and unresolved daddy issues.
Low Self Esteem + Unresolved Daddy Issues = SLUTS.
So, an attractive potential suitor can either stand at the bar with you while you sip on a cosmo (or Don Julio and Pineapple - my current weapon of choice) talking about how "not being racist is the new racism"...OR he can go to body shots with the girl with the fake breasts, nasty extentions, mini dress, and thigh high boots, who will subsequently give him a BJ in the bathroom for a line of coke.
I dont make these things up, people.
Even if that is an extreme case, my point is that men can be easily distracted by sex. Even those that aren't usually stick to the groups they came with, because no one is searching for a life mate at a nightclub. Which leads me to point 3.
3.) Your environment and you.
"Never miss a night,
Cuz your dream in life,
Is to be a footballers wife.
You don't like players,
That's what you say-a,
But you really wouldn't mind a millionaire.
You don't like ballers,
They don't do nothing for ya,
But you'd love a rich man six foot two or taller..."
I'm pretty convinced that most of my friends and I are single because we work in the nightclub industry. (Back to point #1- most of my friends here work in clubs. The only friends I have here outside of the industry, I either met through people who work in clubs, or are people I knew from before I moved here...) The nightclub industry is all about sex. We sell sex. The alcohol is a buffer. Our job is to convince people that if they come to our club, they will get laid. It's what it all boils down to. You will be with sexy people, who will be under the influence of alcohol, and will want to have sex. No where in that equation does the word "relationship" fit. In college, it was a social environment, everyone was there to get a degree and make friends, and find their place in the world. It was easy to meet, befriend, and date people. In the nightclub industry, there's so much sex being thrown at you, that there's no time to build any relationships. It's pretty destructive actually...
No one looks for a mate at a nightclub. It's absurd. Everyone is under some type of influence, so even if you meet someone and you strike up a conversation, and they seem interesting and you switch numbers, eventually you'll just find out it was all a lie, and they only talked to you because they were coked out of their mind, and you didnt know it because you dont know anything about coke and how people act when they're on it, and you were drunk anyway.
Not that it has happened to me before or anything...
Anyway, because of the perks, and my devotion to knowing the people I work with, I spend a great majority of my free time in a nightclub. Main reason why my sex life > love life. But, the same goes for other women though. If a woman spends most of her time at work, and everyone at her job is older, married, etc...she's not in an environment that facilitates interaction between clear headed single people. Maybe if I started hanging around my "element"...where I really could relate to people....
4.) Too beautiful for your own good.
"Don't be mad at me,
Cuz you're pushing thirty,
And your old tricks no longer work.."
This isnt something that can be changed. I actually have no idea how to even explain this.
I'll start this way...it always seems like the ugly guys have the most confidence. They will hit on any woman, out of their league or not. I have a friend who is stunningly gorgeous. She's tall, beautiful (i said that...), and has the best personality EVER. She has no enemies, she's a social butterfly, super intelligent, she's sweet as sugar....and she's single. It perplexes her, but it perplexes me more. I see guys, the way they look at her, they way they talk to her. It's like they are intimidated by her. She's so stunning, they stop short of asking her out. So she always ends up with these men who aren't worth her time. I'm always certain that a man will come along that is worthy of her, but it hasnt happened yet. I'm certain that men are passing her up to get to the slutty girls. She's not easy. And she shouldn't have to be.
"Without girls like you,
There'd be no fun,
We'd go to the club and not see anyone.
Without girls like you,
There's no nightlife,
All those men just go home to their wives..."
All in all, maybe we're just single because we truly want to be. Like I said before, I enjoy it. I don't want to be tied down right now at all. It's not so bad.
And it's also likely that I'm single because I might be a tad bit unapproachable. Maybe there's a bit of arrogance there...but really, my high and mighty attitude is a way to weed out the weak ones. Any man who is fearless enough to approach me automatically gets my attention, attractive or not.
I like assertive men.
"So dust off your fuck me pumps.." - "F- Me Pumps", Amy Winehouse.
**EDIT** After re-reading this, I realize this only speaks to why MY FRIENDS and I are single, and not really to other women in the city...sorry. I can be kinda self centered sometimes...
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