To be or Not to Be...

A lady. That is the question.

"You've got them all, by the balls
causin' waterfalls
Stone walls
Bar brawls
Common stalls at concert halls

To you they crawl, body sprawl
Smokin' Pall Malls
Close call, stand tall

Doll, you make them feel so small
AND THEY LOVE IT! "

I know its been a while. I have about 4 posts that I started, and I never finished. Some of them are just outdated now. Some I just lost track of thought.

Things happen. But those were then. This is now.

A recent chain of events has caused me to rethink some of my views on male/female courtship. I've never been one to approach a man I'm interested in. I will do the walk by...the linger...the flirty smile...but I dont (usually) approach men. I wait for them to approach me. Makes sense to me, because I like assertive men, and I figure, if he wants me, he would be a man and go for what he wants. The reality is, that's not always the case. And what's even more of a reality is that most of the guys who approach me are NOT the types of men I would blink twice at.

I've already figured out why I'm single. I'm too busy, my standards are too high, and I'm a tad bit unapproachable/intimidating and slightly elitist (only when it comes to future partners, not when it comes to regular people. I'm actually quite compassionate. I still have a Peace Corps nomination out there...) Anyway, I'm fully aware of those things. But sometimes, when I actually have an encounter with an attractive man, one whom I am interested in letting down my guard and getting know, I'm not sure of what to do. I know of plenty of women who make the first move, and are successful. I, on the other hand, prefer to have possible suitors initiate contact. I tell myself that as a lady, I shouldn't, nor should I have to, approach a man. A lady waits.

But as of late, it seems like ladies get overlooked...

Surely flirting is a two way street. And my friends always say that sometimes men are as a afraid to approach you as you are of approaching them. You have to catch their attention. Let them know you're interested...blah blah blah. I never want to be perceived as "desperate" or a hoe/slut/hooker/tramp/*insert derogatory term here * by any man or his friends. And sure, most women who approach men aren't any of those things. It usually works for them. But where did my belief that women should be approached come from? Is it from having an extreme sense of entitlement...or from an extreme lack of confidence?

"The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her

I wanna be her

Yes I do "

People who know me see me as a pretty confident girl. I ooze self assurance. Even if I dont know what I want out of life, I'm constantly trying to find out. I dont have the need to be reassured by the opposite sex, I'm comfortable by myself, I can hold my own. I'm not shy, although sometimes I can be quiet. So when it comes to men, I cannot make the first move. *Unless I'm drunk, and it comes off as a joke, and it's a guy that I dont really care if it goes either way-good or bad* But if there's a man, and I genuinely find him attractive, just the thought of approaching him without any clue as to if he's mutually interested is terrifying. At least, if he approaches me, I know that he's at least interested in starting a conversation with me, and I can take it from there. But the fear of rejection is so strong, I cant initiate anything, without him at least looking at me first.

Sometimes, I think I may be faking my confidence. Like, if I act confident and tell myself that I'm confident, that it will come across as genuine, and I will then be the confident person I believe i am. I think my real issue is that there's a possibility that I may think I'm more attractive than I really am. And I dont ever want that possibility to be proven to be true. I have this giant, inflated ego that I carry around with me, everywhere I go. I'm awesome. I'm amazing. I'm nice, never bitchy, I'm interesting, I'm smart, I like people, I love helping people, I love making people smile, I can go on and on about how great of a person I am. I have so many awesome friends there to remind me of how great I am. They'll probably read this and immediately text me something like "But you ARE awesome! Oh you're so sexy! I love you, gorgeous!"

That's what friends are for.

"The way you rock, don't stop
Girl, you got the chops
Flip flop
She bop
Self-taught
You look so hot

AND WE LOVE IT"

Yes, I'm tall, and that's not for everybody. Yes, I'm not skinny, and that's not for everybody. I know I have flaws, to be clear. If I choose to put myself out there, I have to be sure that this person will either overlook my possible flaws, or see those flaws as assets and will be attracted to me as well. If I ever put myself out there, just to find that this person doesnt find me as attractive as I think I am, that would be an extreme blow to my inflated ego. And I cant handle that. I just...cannot.

So..I dont put myself out there. I sit on my high horse, waiting for only the most adventurous to approach. I immediately determine if they are suitable. Most of the time, they aren't. I might entertain conversation. Accept a drink. Then I move on. I remain in control. If they are suitable, well, thats one lucky gentleman! I'll step off the horse, let my guard down, entertain conversation with this tall, charismatic, confident, attractive man, and let it go however far I'm in the mood to go. That doesnt happen often. But when it does, it's fun times.

Will I ever deflate the ego bubble surrounding me (which constantly screams "I'm the shit" over and over btw) enough to let down my guard and approach someone? Will I ever shed the fear of failing, and being required to pick my face up off the floor and retreat back to my cave after being rejected? Will I ever stop hiding behind the "I'm a lady" facade and just go get what I want? Is that even my personality...I'm a maneater, but not a manhunter.

There's a difference, you know.

Stay tuned...

"The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her

I wanna be her

So do you "


Oh Peaches...You're so right...