"Birds flying high, you know I feel
Sun in the sky, you know I feel
Breeze drifting on by, you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me...

And I'm feeling good.."

So in 5 weeks, I will be leaving for Mozambique. For the next two years of my life, I will be a Peace Corps Volunteer. I'm happy with that. I will maintain (much better than I did with this one) a new blog at digitalgirlanalogworld.blogspot.com

Follow it. Read it. Comment on it. Love it.


"Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feelIt's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good"

I've spent this week (besides being inundated with paperwork) breaking the news to people. Most people are happy for me, but dont want me to go at the same time. Understandable. What isnt understandable is the amount of people who say "Oh! I wanted to do something like that, but..." or "Oh, I wish I could have done something like that, but..."

People. Listen to me. LIFE IS FULL OF CHOICES! YOU CHOOSE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU! STOP MAKING EXCUSES! JUST DO IT!

Do I need to repeat this? Or do you get it?

No really...I'm serious. It may seem like I'm oversimplifying things, but I'm really not. Life is a series of choices. I chose to apply to Peace Corps, and see it through until I got an invite. I decided I didnt want to be stuck working for a nightclub in Chicago, I wanted more. And I made it happen. Nothing was holding me back. Sure, I could have said "Oh...but my family is here. I cant leave them" Or "Oh, but I have this job, and these friends, and I'd have to be crazy to leave right now.." blah blah blah. The only thing holding you back is you.

I have friends in Tennessee tell me all of the time "Oh, I should have left like you did". My response: Why dont you? Whats stopping you? "Oh, I dont have any money" "Oh, I need to find a job" etc etc. I didnt have any money when I left TN and moved to Chicago. I didnt have a job. But I made it happen. and you can too. Whatever you want to do...do it. Make it happen.

Decide what you want
Choose to focus on seeing it through to the end
DO IT
Make it happen

STOP making excuses
STOP letting outside forces get in the way
STOP limiting yourself

Live your life. Choose to be happy. Remember...this life is yours and yours alone. You can be happy with it. Or you can be miserable with it. Decide what you want to do. If life is pulling you in a certain direction...either change the direction, or shut up, sit down, and go with it.

Remember...you NEVER want to look back and think "I should have...."

Dont let "life" get in the way of living.

*drops mic*

"Oh, freedom is mine
I know how I feel
Its a new dawn, and a new day
and a new life for me...

And I'm feeling good.."

Feeling Good - Nina Simone

To be or Not to Be...

A lady. That is the question.

"You've got them all, by the balls
causin' waterfalls
Stone walls
Bar brawls
Common stalls at concert halls

To you they crawl, body sprawl
Smokin' Pall Malls
Close call, stand tall

Doll, you make them feel so small
AND THEY LOVE IT! "

I know its been a while. I have about 4 posts that I started, and I never finished. Some of them are just outdated now. Some I just lost track of thought.

Things happen. But those were then. This is now.

A recent chain of events has caused me to rethink some of my views on male/female courtship. I've never been one to approach a man I'm interested in. I will do the walk by...the linger...the flirty smile...but I dont (usually) approach men. I wait for them to approach me. Makes sense to me, because I like assertive men, and I figure, if he wants me, he would be a man and go for what he wants. The reality is, that's not always the case. And what's even more of a reality is that most of the guys who approach me are NOT the types of men I would blink twice at.

I've already figured out why I'm single. I'm too busy, my standards are too high, and I'm a tad bit unapproachable/intimidating and slightly elitist (only when it comes to future partners, not when it comes to regular people. I'm actually quite compassionate. I still have a Peace Corps nomination out there...) Anyway, I'm fully aware of those things. But sometimes, when I actually have an encounter with an attractive man, one whom I am interested in letting down my guard and getting know, I'm not sure of what to do. I know of plenty of women who make the first move, and are successful. I, on the other hand, prefer to have possible suitors initiate contact. I tell myself that as a lady, I shouldn't, nor should I have to, approach a man. A lady waits.

But as of late, it seems like ladies get overlooked...

Surely flirting is a two way street. And my friends always say that sometimes men are as a afraid to approach you as you are of approaching them. You have to catch their attention. Let them know you're interested...blah blah blah. I never want to be perceived as "desperate" or a hoe/slut/hooker/tramp/*insert derogatory term here * by any man or his friends. And sure, most women who approach men aren't any of those things. It usually works for them. But where did my belief that women should be approached come from? Is it from having an extreme sense of entitlement...or from an extreme lack of confidence?

"The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her

I wanna be her

Yes I do "

People who know me see me as a pretty confident girl. I ooze self assurance. Even if I dont know what I want out of life, I'm constantly trying to find out. I dont have the need to be reassured by the opposite sex, I'm comfortable by myself, I can hold my own. I'm not shy, although sometimes I can be quiet. So when it comes to men, I cannot make the first move. *Unless I'm drunk, and it comes off as a joke, and it's a guy that I dont really care if it goes either way-good or bad* But if there's a man, and I genuinely find him attractive, just the thought of approaching him without any clue as to if he's mutually interested is terrifying. At least, if he approaches me, I know that he's at least interested in starting a conversation with me, and I can take it from there. But the fear of rejection is so strong, I cant initiate anything, without him at least looking at me first.

Sometimes, I think I may be faking my confidence. Like, if I act confident and tell myself that I'm confident, that it will come across as genuine, and I will then be the confident person I believe i am. I think my real issue is that there's a possibility that I may think I'm more attractive than I really am. And I dont ever want that possibility to be proven to be true. I have this giant, inflated ego that I carry around with me, everywhere I go. I'm awesome. I'm amazing. I'm nice, never bitchy, I'm interesting, I'm smart, I like people, I love helping people, I love making people smile, I can go on and on about how great of a person I am. I have so many awesome friends there to remind me of how great I am. They'll probably read this and immediately text me something like "But you ARE awesome! Oh you're so sexy! I love you, gorgeous!"

That's what friends are for.

"The way you rock, don't stop
Girl, you got the chops
Flip flop
She bop
Self-taught
You look so hot

AND WE LOVE IT"

Yes, I'm tall, and that's not for everybody. Yes, I'm not skinny, and that's not for everybody. I know I have flaws, to be clear. If I choose to put myself out there, I have to be sure that this person will either overlook my possible flaws, or see those flaws as assets and will be attracted to me as well. If I ever put myself out there, just to find that this person doesnt find me as attractive as I think I am, that would be an extreme blow to my inflated ego. And I cant handle that. I just...cannot.

So..I dont put myself out there. I sit on my high horse, waiting for only the most adventurous to approach. I immediately determine if they are suitable. Most of the time, they aren't. I might entertain conversation. Accept a drink. Then I move on. I remain in control. If they are suitable, well, thats one lucky gentleman! I'll step off the horse, let my guard down, entertain conversation with this tall, charismatic, confident, attractive man, and let it go however far I'm in the mood to go. That doesnt happen often. But when it does, it's fun times.

Will I ever deflate the ego bubble surrounding me (which constantly screams "I'm the shit" over and over btw) enough to let down my guard and approach someone? Will I ever shed the fear of failing, and being required to pick my face up off the floor and retreat back to my cave after being rejected? Will I ever stop hiding behind the "I'm a lady" facade and just go get what I want? Is that even my personality...I'm a maneater, but not a manhunter.

There's a difference, you know.

Stay tuned...

"The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her

I wanna be her

So do you "


Oh Peaches...You're so right...

The D-Word...

"You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life."

If I were to start writing my memoirs today, I'm pretty sure they would be well on their way of becoming a TV mini-series. Think "Roots"...but focused only on my life. And without the slavery. But yeah...just as long...

I've had ups, I've had downs, love affairs, travels, delusions of grandeur, hilariously embarrassing moments, moments so embarrassing that I blocked them out, great depression, extreme passion, general complacency...

Approaching the 25th year of my life, I have been fortunate enough to have many interesting and varied experiences in life. I've encountered the best kinds of people. I've also encountered the worst. I've loved and hated and lost and found.

Of my many experiences in life, I have yet to deal with something so crucial to the circle of life. That moves us all. Til we find our place on the path unwinding. The circle....the circle of life......

Wait, what?

But really, this isnt about that movie that traumatized me when I was nine years old. Actually, maybe it is. The Lion King was the first real exposure I had to death. At least, from what I remember. And since then, I've been fortunate enough to not have anyone close to me cross over into the next realm and find their place in heaven. People close to me have dealt with it. But personally, it hasn't happened. Some people might think I should consider myself fortunate, and I am certainly grateful. But being the paranoia laden psycho that I am, I cant help but to think about the fact that death is indeed....a fact of life. And eventually....I am going to have to face it. But when that day comes....

will I be strong enough to handle it?

When someone dies, I have no clue what to say. I dont handle it well because I dont know how to properly process death. If a friend of mine walked in here right now and said "my so and so died" ...I would give a very genuine "Oh no! Oh my God"....then...nothing. I feel like saying "I'm sorry" is so insensitive and it doesnt help anything. Then I would probably be sad because my friend was sad. And we would sit there in silence.

Maybe I should clarify....it's not like people in my family haven't died. My grandmother died my freshman year of college. My mother waited to tell me until the weekend, because she didnt want it to distract me from my studies. I remember, because the VMAs were on when she called me, and I was in the dorm lobby watching them with some other people. She called, told me what happened and that she was already there in Missouri and that my stepfather and uncle were on their way to pick me up. Did I feel sad? Yes...but mainly because that's how you're supposed to feel, right? My grandmother always lived in Missouri. I always lived in Michigan. I didnt get to see her often. I have a few memories of her, and when I was around her, I enjoyed it. But at her funeral, I was sad because my mother was sad. Same goes for when my brother died. I cried because I was sad that we had grown so distant since our childhood. Before his death, I hadnt seen him almost 10 years. But what saddened me the most was seeing my dad cry. Thats why I cried.

I feel like in both instances, I didnt even process their deaths correctly. After their funerals, I went back to my life, as if nothing had happened. Things are the same now as they were when they were living, because we werent close anymore, and they weren't a significant part of my daily life. But what if someone close to me died. I honestly think I wouldnt have the strength to take it. When I was younger, I was so afraid that something would happen to one of my parents (blame it on the Lion King). I prayed every night that my mother and father would live long lives, because I knew I would not be able to handle it if one of them went away. It scared me, and still scares me to this day.

Death is never an easy thing to deal with or even talk about. This culture spends so much time trying to avoid the topic, that when it does come up, people aren't prepared to handle it. Recently, my experiences with death have been relative to friends of friends who have committed suicide, which is something that always gets me thinking. I've tried to fathom just how much inner turmoil someone has to be going through to consider-and go through with- suicide. And when I think about it...there are two instances when I really cried--like really really cried--about someone's death. Both were people who I wasnt really close to. Both committed suicide.

It really hurts to know that someone was in so much pain, and they felt they couldnt reach out to anyone. Especially when you just talked to that person. I often wonder if these people, wherever they are, can see the effects of their decisions. A girl that I hardly knew committed suicide recently, and I cried. Not for a minute or two...but for a few days. Why? I dont really know. We barely knew each other, and I'm sure she didnt even see me as a person who would care...but I cant help but wonder if I would have sent her a text or something, if I could have just listened to her talk, or consoled her or something...if I could have helped her in some way. Oftentimes, people forget how insignificant they are in this huge universe. But they also forget just how significant they are to other people. And although I never really know what to say, I'm always available to listen. I know I tend to be self centered sometimes, and I tend to interrupt, but I will listen to someone that needs to be heard. I just wish I knew that she was begging to be heard.

"You got the future in the palm of your hands
all you gotta do to get you through is understand
you think you rather do without,
you will never make it without the truth
the facts of life is all about you"

These days, I find myself making an attempt to be more open to others. Even people I dont know. I truly believe that everyone is connected, and I also believe that we impact each other's lives more than we know. I'm sure neither Arin nor Rachel believed that their deaths would bring me to tears. They had no clue just how significant they were to me.

I didnt know either. Until they were gone.

While these girls weren't my closest friends, they had an impact on my outlook on life. And if their deaths caused me so much pain, I truly fear what might happen if, God forbid, something happened to someone closer to me.


I should probably follow up this post with something happy. We are a culture that avoids death at all costs....until its right there in our faces. To the 4 people that read this, if I've ruined your day, I apologize. But...

"You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life."