"Birds flying high, you know I feel
Sun in the sky, you know I feel
Breeze drifting on by, you know how I feel
Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me...

And I'm feeling good.."

So in 5 weeks, I will be leaving for Mozambique. For the next two years of my life, I will be a Peace Corps Volunteer. I'm happy with that. I will maintain (much better than I did with this one) a new blog at digitalgirlanalogworld.blogspot.com

Follow it. Read it. Comment on it. Love it.


"Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feelIt's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good"

I've spent this week (besides being inundated with paperwork) breaking the news to people. Most people are happy for me, but dont want me to go at the same time. Understandable. What isnt understandable is the amount of people who say "Oh! I wanted to do something like that, but..." or "Oh, I wish I could have done something like that, but..."

People. Listen to me. LIFE IS FULL OF CHOICES! YOU CHOOSE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU! STOP MAKING EXCUSES! JUST DO IT!

Do I need to repeat this? Or do you get it?

No really...I'm serious. It may seem like I'm oversimplifying things, but I'm really not. Life is a series of choices. I chose to apply to Peace Corps, and see it through until I got an invite. I decided I didnt want to be stuck working for a nightclub in Chicago, I wanted more. And I made it happen. Nothing was holding me back. Sure, I could have said "Oh...but my family is here. I cant leave them" Or "Oh, but I have this job, and these friends, and I'd have to be crazy to leave right now.." blah blah blah. The only thing holding you back is you.

I have friends in Tennessee tell me all of the time "Oh, I should have left like you did". My response: Why dont you? Whats stopping you? "Oh, I dont have any money" "Oh, I need to find a job" etc etc. I didnt have any money when I left TN and moved to Chicago. I didnt have a job. But I made it happen. and you can too. Whatever you want to do...do it. Make it happen.

Decide what you want
Choose to focus on seeing it through to the end
DO IT
Make it happen

STOP making excuses
STOP letting outside forces get in the way
STOP limiting yourself

Live your life. Choose to be happy. Remember...this life is yours and yours alone. You can be happy with it. Or you can be miserable with it. Decide what you want to do. If life is pulling you in a certain direction...either change the direction, or shut up, sit down, and go with it.

Remember...you NEVER want to look back and think "I should have...."

Dont let "life" get in the way of living.

*drops mic*

"Oh, freedom is mine
I know how I feel
Its a new dawn, and a new day
and a new life for me...

And I'm feeling good.."

Feeling Good - Nina Simone

To be or Not to Be...

A lady. That is the question.

"You've got them all, by the balls
causin' waterfalls
Stone walls
Bar brawls
Common stalls at concert halls

To you they crawl, body sprawl
Smokin' Pall Malls
Close call, stand tall

Doll, you make them feel so small
AND THEY LOVE IT! "

I know its been a while. I have about 4 posts that I started, and I never finished. Some of them are just outdated now. Some I just lost track of thought.

Things happen. But those were then. This is now.

A recent chain of events has caused me to rethink some of my views on male/female courtship. I've never been one to approach a man I'm interested in. I will do the walk by...the linger...the flirty smile...but I dont (usually) approach men. I wait for them to approach me. Makes sense to me, because I like assertive men, and I figure, if he wants me, he would be a man and go for what he wants. The reality is, that's not always the case. And what's even more of a reality is that most of the guys who approach me are NOT the types of men I would blink twice at.

I've already figured out why I'm single. I'm too busy, my standards are too high, and I'm a tad bit unapproachable/intimidating and slightly elitist (only when it comes to future partners, not when it comes to regular people. I'm actually quite compassionate. I still have a Peace Corps nomination out there...) Anyway, I'm fully aware of those things. But sometimes, when I actually have an encounter with an attractive man, one whom I am interested in letting down my guard and getting know, I'm not sure of what to do. I know of plenty of women who make the first move, and are successful. I, on the other hand, prefer to have possible suitors initiate contact. I tell myself that as a lady, I shouldn't, nor should I have to, approach a man. A lady waits.

But as of late, it seems like ladies get overlooked...

Surely flirting is a two way street. And my friends always say that sometimes men are as a afraid to approach you as you are of approaching them. You have to catch their attention. Let them know you're interested...blah blah blah. I never want to be perceived as "desperate" or a hoe/slut/hooker/tramp/*insert derogatory term here * by any man or his friends. And sure, most women who approach men aren't any of those things. It usually works for them. But where did my belief that women should be approached come from? Is it from having an extreme sense of entitlement...or from an extreme lack of confidence?

"The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her

I wanna be her

Yes I do "

People who know me see me as a pretty confident girl. I ooze self assurance. Even if I dont know what I want out of life, I'm constantly trying to find out. I dont have the need to be reassured by the opposite sex, I'm comfortable by myself, I can hold my own. I'm not shy, although sometimes I can be quiet. So when it comes to men, I cannot make the first move. *Unless I'm drunk, and it comes off as a joke, and it's a guy that I dont really care if it goes either way-good or bad* But if there's a man, and I genuinely find him attractive, just the thought of approaching him without any clue as to if he's mutually interested is terrifying. At least, if he approaches me, I know that he's at least interested in starting a conversation with me, and I can take it from there. But the fear of rejection is so strong, I cant initiate anything, without him at least looking at me first.

Sometimes, I think I may be faking my confidence. Like, if I act confident and tell myself that I'm confident, that it will come across as genuine, and I will then be the confident person I believe i am. I think my real issue is that there's a possibility that I may think I'm more attractive than I really am. And I dont ever want that possibility to be proven to be true. I have this giant, inflated ego that I carry around with me, everywhere I go. I'm awesome. I'm amazing. I'm nice, never bitchy, I'm interesting, I'm smart, I like people, I love helping people, I love making people smile, I can go on and on about how great of a person I am. I have so many awesome friends there to remind me of how great I am. They'll probably read this and immediately text me something like "But you ARE awesome! Oh you're so sexy! I love you, gorgeous!"

That's what friends are for.

"The way you rock, don't stop
Girl, you got the chops
Flip flop
She bop
Self-taught
You look so hot

AND WE LOVE IT"

Yes, I'm tall, and that's not for everybody. Yes, I'm not skinny, and that's not for everybody. I know I have flaws, to be clear. If I choose to put myself out there, I have to be sure that this person will either overlook my possible flaws, or see those flaws as assets and will be attracted to me as well. If I ever put myself out there, just to find that this person doesnt find me as attractive as I think I am, that would be an extreme blow to my inflated ego. And I cant handle that. I just...cannot.

So..I dont put myself out there. I sit on my high horse, waiting for only the most adventurous to approach. I immediately determine if they are suitable. Most of the time, they aren't. I might entertain conversation. Accept a drink. Then I move on. I remain in control. If they are suitable, well, thats one lucky gentleman! I'll step off the horse, let my guard down, entertain conversation with this tall, charismatic, confident, attractive man, and let it go however far I'm in the mood to go. That doesnt happen often. But when it does, it's fun times.

Will I ever deflate the ego bubble surrounding me (which constantly screams "I'm the shit" over and over btw) enough to let down my guard and approach someone? Will I ever shed the fear of failing, and being required to pick my face up off the floor and retreat back to my cave after being rejected? Will I ever stop hiding behind the "I'm a lady" facade and just go get what I want? Is that even my personality...I'm a maneater, but not a manhunter.

There's a difference, you know.

Stay tuned...

"The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her

I wanna be her

So do you "


Oh Peaches...You're so right...

The D-Word...

"You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life."

If I were to start writing my memoirs today, I'm pretty sure they would be well on their way of becoming a TV mini-series. Think "Roots"...but focused only on my life. And without the slavery. But yeah...just as long...

I've had ups, I've had downs, love affairs, travels, delusions of grandeur, hilariously embarrassing moments, moments so embarrassing that I blocked them out, great depression, extreme passion, general complacency...

Approaching the 25th year of my life, I have been fortunate enough to have many interesting and varied experiences in life. I've encountered the best kinds of people. I've also encountered the worst. I've loved and hated and lost and found.

Of my many experiences in life, I have yet to deal with something so crucial to the circle of life. That moves us all. Til we find our place on the path unwinding. The circle....the circle of life......

Wait, what?

But really, this isnt about that movie that traumatized me when I was nine years old. Actually, maybe it is. The Lion King was the first real exposure I had to death. At least, from what I remember. And since then, I've been fortunate enough to not have anyone close to me cross over into the next realm and find their place in heaven. People close to me have dealt with it. But personally, it hasn't happened. Some people might think I should consider myself fortunate, and I am certainly grateful. But being the paranoia laden psycho that I am, I cant help but to think about the fact that death is indeed....a fact of life. And eventually....I am going to have to face it. But when that day comes....

will I be strong enough to handle it?

When someone dies, I have no clue what to say. I dont handle it well because I dont know how to properly process death. If a friend of mine walked in here right now and said "my so and so died" ...I would give a very genuine "Oh no! Oh my God"....then...nothing. I feel like saying "I'm sorry" is so insensitive and it doesnt help anything. Then I would probably be sad because my friend was sad. And we would sit there in silence.

Maybe I should clarify....it's not like people in my family haven't died. My grandmother died my freshman year of college. My mother waited to tell me until the weekend, because she didnt want it to distract me from my studies. I remember, because the VMAs were on when she called me, and I was in the dorm lobby watching them with some other people. She called, told me what happened and that she was already there in Missouri and that my stepfather and uncle were on their way to pick me up. Did I feel sad? Yes...but mainly because that's how you're supposed to feel, right? My grandmother always lived in Missouri. I always lived in Michigan. I didnt get to see her often. I have a few memories of her, and when I was around her, I enjoyed it. But at her funeral, I was sad because my mother was sad. Same goes for when my brother died. I cried because I was sad that we had grown so distant since our childhood. Before his death, I hadnt seen him almost 10 years. But what saddened me the most was seeing my dad cry. Thats why I cried.

I feel like in both instances, I didnt even process their deaths correctly. After their funerals, I went back to my life, as if nothing had happened. Things are the same now as they were when they were living, because we werent close anymore, and they weren't a significant part of my daily life. But what if someone close to me died. I honestly think I wouldnt have the strength to take it. When I was younger, I was so afraid that something would happen to one of my parents (blame it on the Lion King). I prayed every night that my mother and father would live long lives, because I knew I would not be able to handle it if one of them went away. It scared me, and still scares me to this day.

Death is never an easy thing to deal with or even talk about. This culture spends so much time trying to avoid the topic, that when it does come up, people aren't prepared to handle it. Recently, my experiences with death have been relative to friends of friends who have committed suicide, which is something that always gets me thinking. I've tried to fathom just how much inner turmoil someone has to be going through to consider-and go through with- suicide. And when I think about it...there are two instances when I really cried--like really really cried--about someone's death. Both were people who I wasnt really close to. Both committed suicide.

It really hurts to know that someone was in so much pain, and they felt they couldnt reach out to anyone. Especially when you just talked to that person. I often wonder if these people, wherever they are, can see the effects of their decisions. A girl that I hardly knew committed suicide recently, and I cried. Not for a minute or two...but for a few days. Why? I dont really know. We barely knew each other, and I'm sure she didnt even see me as a person who would care...but I cant help but wonder if I would have sent her a text or something, if I could have just listened to her talk, or consoled her or something...if I could have helped her in some way. Oftentimes, people forget how insignificant they are in this huge universe. But they also forget just how significant they are to other people. And although I never really know what to say, I'm always available to listen. I know I tend to be self centered sometimes, and I tend to interrupt, but I will listen to someone that needs to be heard. I just wish I knew that she was begging to be heard.

"You got the future in the palm of your hands
all you gotta do to get you through is understand
you think you rather do without,
you will never make it without the truth
the facts of life is all about you"

These days, I find myself making an attempt to be more open to others. Even people I dont know. I truly believe that everyone is connected, and I also believe that we impact each other's lives more than we know. I'm sure neither Arin nor Rachel believed that their deaths would bring me to tears. They had no clue just how significant they were to me.

I didnt know either. Until they were gone.

While these girls weren't my closest friends, they had an impact on my outlook on life. And if their deaths caused me so much pain, I truly fear what might happen if, God forbid, something happened to someone closer to me.


I should probably follow up this post with something happy. We are a culture that avoids death at all costs....until its right there in our faces. To the 4 people that read this, if I've ruined your day, I apologize. But...

"You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life."

Another Song...All Over Again....

Yesterday, I woke up to the first official snow of winter 2009-2010. It was a light, fluffy snow. Fresh and new. It softly blanketed the trees and the grass, blowing in whatever direction the wind decided it's course of fate would be. The snow was airy, wrought with unfamiliarity. I watched a girl scoop up a handful of snow, examine it intently, and let the loose flakes fall through her fingertips to the cold cement.

This is the time of year when the city hibernates. What was once the vibrant, buzzing, lively Chicago of summer has turned into the depressed, anti-social, angry-at-the-world Chicago of winter. The times we remember- frolicking at the beach, carefree strolls by outdoor cafes, buying tamales on the corner, are no longer.

It is cold. And it is going to get much colder before we ever see warm again.

So here we are. People are wearing knee high waterproof furry boots and long coats and layering knitted scarves over knitted sweaters over knitted gloves...all to try to protect precious flesh from the vicious chill of winter.

Once the snow starts in Chicago...it doesnt stop until April. Even then, it's still cold until May.

"My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away,
And life, squeezes so tight that i can't breathe"

There was a time when I used to write poetry. In high school I sat in my classes, and wrote a poem every day. I would pass them to trusted friends and let them critique. I was a member of the Poetry Club - among the million other clubs that took up my after school time. In college, I continued my classtime poetry session to keep myself from falling asleep. Coming from high school AP Calculus, attempting to stay awake through my pre-calculus course was the most challenging aspect of the 3 hours a week I spent in that room.

I am a thoughtful communicator. Yes, that is a line straight from my resume. But, it's true. I think my success in communicating with others stems from my ability to listen and observe. Some people don't realize that communication is 50% listening. That being said, I am still convinced that I express myself best when I'm writing. When speaking, I always have that afterthought-that "oh darn, I should have said this!" Not when writing though. I can put things on paper, and they flow, and I say exactly what I want to say...

well, that used to be the case. I'm not sure what happened, but I cant write poetry anymore. The layer of my brain that takes regular nouns, verbs and adjectives and creates eloquent metaphors with whimsical imagery has shut down.

My lake of creativity has fallen victim to a drought. Like trekking through the Sahara, with not even a mirage in sight.

"I look at my environment,
And wonder where the fire went,
What happened to everything we used to be?"

So many things that used to define me no longer do. I'm no longer the smartest. I'm no longer the most unique. I'm not even the tallest anymore. If an interviewer were to sit me down right now, and ask me what sets me apart from everyone else, what would I say?

(Actually, I would make up something on the spot that sounded appropriate. I'm very good at telling people things they want to hear.)

Whatever I said, would I believe it? Probably not.

I have a poster in my room. It's one of those motivational posters. I bought it because it it red with roses, and I was going through a huge flower phase. But it says "PASSION. Nothing in the world has ever been accomplished without passion." While everyone else is distracted with Tiger Woods' drama, I struggle daily with finding my passion. I used to write. I used to be a musician. I used to aspire to be a kickass business woman. Somewhere along the line, I lost sight. What are my hobbies? Do I even have hobbies anymore? I dont DO anything anymore. My free time = gym, volunteering on a semi-weekly basis, dinner with friends, drinking with friends, being shit-faced drunk with friends, TV, Facebook, Twitter, internet, sleep. I cant even finish a book anymore! I have 3 very interesting, but unfinished books sitting in my room right now. not to mention the ones I havent even started.

I know that I am probably being entirely too hard on myself, and as a 24 year old, I should be exploring many options in life. But when I have friends who live in snazzy high rises in the West Loop and work for companies like Goldman Sachs....well dammit.

"And every time i've tried to be
What someone else thought of me
So caught up, i wasnt able to acheive"

I sat at my desk today and reflected. After a phone call from the Peace Corps office asking questions about my application and my follow up letter, it's looking more likely that they are going to pass on my application and ask me to reapply next year. She said they'll call me back next week, but I'm pretty perceptive. I could hear it in her voice. She was trying to find a way to tell me "no".

As I shed my first tear, I thought about love. Not the type of love that I have between my friends and my family, but the love between me, myself, and I. I'm not happy unless I'm doing something I love, or something that will get me to a place where I can do something that I love. These days I'm having trouble figuring out what exactly it is that I love to do, or would love to do. Since I'm not doing anything, and I dont even know what it is I should be doing to even make an attempt....I'm having trouble toning down the anger, disappointment, and frustration with myself and making room to love myself...

Does that make sense? Because nothing really makes sense for me anymore. I used to be happy. There were days when I would sit at this desk, and I was happy. Content with life. Now I'm uncomfortable. I want more, but it seems like "more" is difficult to attain. I want better, but I cant find a clear path to "better." Nothing is the same anymore. My interests and hobbies are not the same anymore, and now I have to find new ones. I cant even travel, because I have no money. I cant up and move somewhere, because that is entirely illogical. But I feel like it would be great for me.

Maybe I just need a vacation. Or a boyfriend to serve as a distraction.

I'm using my lunchtime today to take a walk. Something about walking in fresh snow...

"I hear so many cry for help,
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know that His strength is within me
And deep in my heart
The answer, it was in me
And I made up my mind
To define my own destiny"

Oh Lauryn Hill...if only it were that easy...

"The MisEducation of Lauryn Hill" - Lauryn Hill

The Power of Words

"Tu es tout petit
Mon Meilleur ami
Je t'emmène avec moi
Partout où je suis
Je te parle comme à un homme doux et sensible
La seule chose qui m'agace c'est de changer les piles"


I often volunteer my time with a local organization called ChicagoCares. The cool thing about the organization is that there are dozens of things you can volunteer for each week and you can choose whatever interests you.

For a while, I was volunteering at Bingo night at one of the nursing homes around here. It was so much fun. But if I want to have a shot at Peace Corps, there are other things I have to focus on. So I chose to sign up for ESL Coaching. I had fun. A lot of fun. Basically, I helped the adult students practice English, just by sitting down and having a conversation with them.

I never realized how important a conversation could be. I was assigned to a classroom with 4 students who were slightly more advanced than the others...although their English was still quite broken. There were 3 other volunteers in the room, and we each did rounds to each student. I'm convinced that I learned more than the students. I went in expecting to just coach people with their English, but I ended up engaging in the most thoughtful conversations I've had in a while.

The media will have you believing that immigrants are only coming from Mexico, Cuba, and Puerto Rico. They completely ignore the floods of easternEuropean immigrants, immigrants from Asia, middle eastern people, and people from other parts of central and South America. Normally, I'm an open minded, intelligent individual. But for some reason, I fell victim to that ignorant belief when I saw that I would be going to Logan Square - a largely Mexican neighborhood. So when these men started telling me about Machu Picchu and drawing maps of where their hometowns are in relation to Belize, Brazil and Argentina...I was instantly interested. 3 out of the 4 men in my classroom were from Peru.

"J'aime beaucoup la vie
Pas du tout l'ennui
J'apprécie la galanterie, que tu m'offres au lit
Le plaisir infini partout où je suis
La seule chose qui m'agace c'est de changer les piles"

I spoke with a man named Walter who has lived here for 20 years.

20 years?

Yes. 20 years. And can barely speak English. He says he never gets to practice it. His family speaks Spanish at home. His co-workers speak Spanish at work. He lives in a neighborhood of the city where there are Spanish speaking businesses. Just like everyone else, he enjoyed and appreciated the chance to practice his English skills. What surprised me is how EAGER he was. As soon as I sat down with him, his eyes lit up, and we chatted away. This man was in his 50s, and was talking non-stop like some 4 year old.

You know how 4 year olds dont shut up, because they just grasped the language and they want to talk ALL OF THE TIME? Yeah, like that.

But he wasnt as annoying. I mean, he wasnt annoying at all.

Moving on...

I met this guy named John (Juan), who is from Lima, Peru, and used to teach finance at the University there. Now he fixes furniture for a living. I met Humberto, who is also from Peru, who used to live in Japan working for manufacturing companies, before he moved here to be with family.

Such interesting lives and such interesting people. I really enjoyed my time with them. I got a recipe for a Peruvian drink called Pisto Sour. It's kinda like a homemade whiskey sour, but not with whiskey. I had some great laughs too (Juan asked me if I was married. I told him no, I was single. He threw up the "Single Ladies" hand on me)

"A chaque fois que mon cerveau me demande
Je glisse la main dans mon sac automatique aux commandes
Je cherche un coin tranquille
et en passant je demande
Un nouveau jeu de piles pour ma télécommande"


I have no idea where I was going with this. But I do find it interesting that people have so much potential, are so intelligent and personable, and the only thing that separates them from reaching a higher status in society is language. Language barriers are more powerful than I first thought. Socially liberal people in this country are opposed to mandatory English language proficiency for immigrants (its discriminatory) , but I kind of agree with those "They need ta learn ta speak A'MERKIN" people. I think it would be way more beneficial for those coming to this country to be proficient in the language. It is an extremely difficult barrier to get over once you're here, and unless these people can master the language, they will never be able to flourish as American citizens. Others can continue to cast off these intelligent, highly capable people as "immigrants", and not see them as citizens.

But maybe....just maybe...that's the whole point.

I've been known to look into a conspiracy theory or two. But maybe "the man" doesnt want people to be required to learn the language, because they can then easily "take over." Society can't function if everyone is educated. If everyone is educated, then who will do the "lower class" jobs...we'll all be too smart. Society functions when there are classes of people, distinct lines and dichotomies between intelligence levels, social status, classes, etc. If everyone gets an education and has the same opportunities, who will work for the privileged? Gotta weed out people somehow...It's all a part of the plan.

This just turned into a completely different post.

"Mes copines t'apprécient
Mes copains . Aussi
Tu es le bienvenue
Dans chaque surprise party" "Mon Meilleur Ami"-Yelle

**I chose this song because I've spent the past year and a half singing it all of the time. I love this song. It's cutesy electro-pop. I know maybe 3 words of French, but I can sing this song backwards and forward. Last week, I learned that it was a song about a vibrator.

Are we American, or What?

"And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me."

The morning of the Ft. Hood hood shooting, I was, ironically, reading an article about the falling quality of people accepted into the military.

Before you get all patriotic on me, I fully support the troops. I don't have the balls to join the military. That automatically makes them better than me, because these people chose to risk their lives for a country that makes BS decisions all of the time, and the reason why half of the troops out there are in the situations they are in now is because of someone's BS decision.

And before you start getting all patriotic on me again, I love America. I was born here, and I enjoy the perks of living here all of the time. Like saying whatever the hell i want to say in blogs. Or eating copious amounts of meat at a Brazilian Steakhouse. Or not knowing a damn thing about the Middle East except that it's sandy, and people dont have very many freedoms. And people are a little angry with us.

Thats right folks, I'm A'merkin.

And for shits and giggles....this is what a merkin really is:


A merkin (first use 1617)^[1] is a pubic wig. The Oxford Companion to the Body dates the origin of the pubic wig to 1450. Women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin to combat pubic lice, and prostitutes would wear them to cover up signs of disease, such as syphilis.


They come in various colors and textures! And another tidbit, syphilis used to be called "The French Pox"

Except for during the Tuskegee Experiments...


Where was I going with this?


Oh right....so anyway, the article highlighted the fact that not only was the military being overrun with gangs, who are bringing their newfound knowledge of warfare back to the streets, but also by white supremacist organizations. The article pointed out the fact that the military has become so "desperate", for lack of a better term, for people that they are not screening applicants as much as usual, and are letting in mentally unstable, extremely violent, and, now, racist and hateful people in. I also read that some supremacist organizations are purposely sending some of their members to the military, in order to receive training for the upcoming race war.


Remind me not to be here when that breaks out.


Of course, you cant just read one article on the internet that mentions so many other interesting topics, so this article lead me to the Anti-Defamation League website, which lead me to the Council of Conservative Citizens website. And the cofcc.com website pissed me off. Why? Well...it's the most bigoted website I've ever seen, and it's hidden under the guise of a website representing the working/middle class American. It's like Glen Beck....but a lot of them. Every article is either trying to convince these readers that black men are especially violent, and are not only a threat to everyone, but are ESPECIALLY a threat to white women, or about illegal immigrants who are "taking over", or how white people are silenced, and are going to be a minority, or how the gays are "perverted", or Muslim people are going to blow everything up - all of them, or interracial people are a lost cause....it goes on and on and on. (although they did post a video about the swine flu vaccine being a bunch of crap, so I guess we agree on that.)


I am fully aware that America is nowhere near a post racial society. The election of President Barack Obama (who needs to man up, and tell these Conservatives to go fuck themselves....) has brought all of this racism back to the mainstream. But when your first Statement of Principle is "We believe the United States is a Christian country"....Really? Do you not know the history of this country?

Wait, that had nothing to do with race, that just pissed me off.

"And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA."

The second Principle...thats the one. Or is this the third? I dunno...anyway, it still made me upset.

"We believe the United States is a European country and that Americans are part of the European people. We believe that the United States derives from and is an integral part of European civilization and the European people and that the American people and government should remain European in their composition and character. We therefore oppose the massive immigration of non-European and non-Western peoples into the United States that threatens to transform our nation into a non-European majority in our lifetime. We believe that illegal immigration must be stopped, if necessary by military force and placing troops on our national borders; that illegal aliens must be returned to their own countries; and that legal immigration must be severely restricted or halted through appropriate changes in our laws and policies. We also oppose all efforts to mix the races of mankind, to promote non-white races over the European-American people through so-called “affirmative action” and similar measures, to destroy or denigrate the European-American heritage, including the heritage of the Southern people, and to force the integration of the races."

-www.cofcc.com Statement of Principles

do I really have to cite this correctly? No one really reads this. Anyway...there are prominent members of our government who are a part of this organization. This organization holds a lot of political power. the council of conservative citizens.

This is why people mistake all conservatives for being racist. Because the council of conservative citizens is a racist organization.

After reading this, I fell into that mood. You know...the one you fall into after you watch Mississippi Burning. Or Rosewood. That angry one. Walking down the street, I wondered if every white person I saw was secretly a racist, and was saying hateful things to me in their minds.

I could go on and on about race. More than likely, I will in the future. Because race relations are very interesting to me. I think I'll do a series on race. Starting with interracial dating. Then maybe on to something like the dichotomy between the acceptable black people, and the ones that you don't make eye contact with on the train. Then maybe a blog about people who cant help being bigoted, and how we can help them. Oooh...and maybe one about other races (Asian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern, etc.) and why are they constantly left out of race discussions....unless we're sterotyping them. And how it just might suck to be a white person, since any move you make--you can be called a racist...(which is why you shouldnt make racist moves, friend)

Oh, and white people who are discriminated against by other white people. Maybe I'm not qualified to write that one, since I have no clue as to why this happens or what lines are drawn (like how white people dont understand the light skin/dark skin debate. Or oil sheen.)

This just turned into a brainstorming session.


Back to a point (maybe not "the point"...but a point nonetheless), I was reading about a man who joined a skinhead organization because he was bullied and tormented by Black and Latino kinds in school. He had two sons. He said he didnt mind if his sons had friends of other races, because they were young, but he made sure he told them that their friends aren't going to end up like them. Their friends are going to grow up to be gangbangers.

really...???

There was another man who said "I knew a guy who was a Black Panther. He said he's didnt have a problem with white people, he just didn't want his daughter bringing home a white man. We're both racists, but we agreed on that"

This is how people think. This is what people are teaching their children. Listen to Prussian Blue or visit the National Vanguard website.

I know this is America, and people are free to think however they want to, and live their lives the way they choose (unless you're a conservative...) but how do we stop the spread of hatred? Are we just going to be a hateful nation forever?

And why do people invest so much time into hate?

And why does a nation of immigrants spend so much time trying to prevent others from enjoying the very same freedoms that their forefathers did?

And why does the "Land of the Free, Home of the Brave" constantly limit the freedoms of it's people and deny basic human rights to "free people." who have commited no crimes and have done no wrong.



"I’d thank my lucky stars,
to be livin here today.
‘ Cause the flag still stands for freedom,
and they can’t take that away." - "Proud to be an American" Lee Greenwood

Thats Right, I Said It....

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like
It's better than yours"

I am a healthy 24 year old woman with no self control. So I have sex.

I know, I know..."what?? You can do that! You're not married! You dont plan on getting married until you're at LEAST 32...you dont even want kids. You should be celibate for the rest of your life..."

I know, I know.

I'm not about to divulge my "number", but I have had enough experience to...have experience, but not enough to be considered a whore. No, I'm not in a committed relationship. But...folks have needs...

So...how do you find someone to fulfill those needs, without putting yourself at risk by sleeping around with random folks?

I'm glad you asked.

I find that maintaining a fuckbuddy relationship is key to keeping everything right with the world. Thing about me though... I tend to have really long fuckbuddy relationships. Currently, I've been having sex with the same guy since March of 2008. In college, I had sex with the same guy on and off all four years, in between my relationships. A friend of mine, who hasnt gotten any in a while, asked me how I do it. I told her that it wasnt for everybody. Because it certainly isnt. This led me to some more self reflection time. How is it that I am able to have sex with someone for so long, and be completely detached emotionally?

"I can see youre on it,
You want me to teach thee
Techniques that freaks these boys,
It can't be bought,
Just know, thieves get caught,
Watch if your smart"

I think a part of it is the fact that I am extremely picky. It's not only limited to physical features either. I can see a tall, physically attractive man, acknowledge that he is indeed very attractive, and have absolutely no urge to even touch him. It happens often. I am really big on vibes and senses. I wholeheartedly believe that saying that a woman will know if she wants to have sex with you within the first 10 seconds of meeting you. With me, its more like 3 seconds. There arent very many men that pass the three second test, attractive or not. It's all about vibes. So when I find a guy that I am really physically attracted to, I am interested.
Maybe it's like a pheromone, testosterone type thing. I dunno. But when I feel it, I feel it. My gut feelings are always true. The men that I have maintained a successful sex-only relationship with are great guys. Have I had other sexual partners in the past besides the 3 main fuckbuddies in my life? Yes. Boyfriends too. But these guys didnt give me relationship vibes. I didnt have the urge to "relationship" them...I just had the urge to--well, you get it.

And before you start thinking "arent they just using you for sex?"....what am I using them for? Dont get me started on double standards...

Anyway, I think it all starts with your attitude about sex. You cant be all uptight about it. I've mentioned in a previous blog that sex life does not equal love life. The types of people that equate sex with love will never, EVER have successful fuckbuddy relationships. They would get hurt, emotionally. And this relationship is not about emotions. I've bonded with my fuckbuddies. We talk about things, we know things about each other. And if it werent just a FB (not FaceBook, people) relationship, they would be great guys to date. The current one is tall, handsome, fluent in 4 languages, travels the world often...Do we spend time together outside of the things we do? NO! Because that would start to constitute a relationship. Thats not our goal here....

I've only let him sleep in my bed twice. Thats because I was too tired to kick him out.

I wouldnt even say it's like a "friends with benefits" relationship. Because that also gets HELLA complicated. FB relationships are about simplicity. You get together. You have sex. That's it. Any holding/kissing/cuddling is out of courtesy. We're completely comfortable with each other. We are there for each other is dire times of need. But we limit our contact to all things sex related, and an occasional "Hey, do you know a way to get cheap plane tickets?" type of text. Its well known that sex complicates things. except for when there's nothing to complicate.

It also helps that my FBs have been very loyal. Its almost always a very regular thing. We're single people that need some lovin' from time to time. No harm in that, right? The only expectations? Enjoyable sex with a clean person who will either leave afterward, or not snore, so you can fall asleep. And share the cover if it's cold....but I tend to be a cover stealer. It's easy, and you dont have to worry about all of the BS that goes with relationships.

BS includes telling everyone about it. With relationships, you have to introduce him to your friends, they have to approve....not with a fuckbuddy. FBs are exempt from approval ratings from friends. And they should NEVER meet your family....dont want to have to explain that to daddy....

FB relationships are best when only a select few people meet him. Very briefly. If you so choose. But of course, he's not your friend or boyfriend, so he shouldnt hang out with your friends. I'm not even facebook friends with my current guy. Of course, his is public, so I check it just to make sure he doesnt have a girlfriend or something. I'm not a homewrecker.

Plus, no one needs to know anything, because it's no one's business. I tend to be very private. I dont willingly disclose information. Some call it coy. Some call it annoying. I say it keeps my business mine and no one else's. Thats why (some people) think I'm so innocent...

"Oh, once you get involved,
Everyone will look this way-so,
You must maintain your charm,
Same time maintain your halo,
Just get the perfect blend,
Plus what you have within,
Then next his eyes are squint,
Then he's picked up your scent"

Now that I've explained how a successful FB relationship requires turning your emotions off, why is it so easy to press the off button for me? It is because I see sex for as pleasure and nothing else? Not necessarily. I've had plenty of emotion filled sex. "I love you" sex. "I hate you" sex...etc.


Am I turning off my emotions so I wont feel hurt and used my men who only want sex with me?
This is probably a good time to confess...3 of the four main FBs I've had have now professed their love for me...but--I'M not the one getting all emotional here. I have those in check. So no...I feel fine.

Could my ability to turn off my emotions stem from an uneasy childhood with an emotionally unstable alcoholic mother? Probably.

Who knew so many things in your childhood have such deep effects in your adulthood?

Precisely why I'm never having kids.

One question I havent answered though....

What am I doing that keeps these men coming back...for years?

"I can teach you,
But I have to charge..."

"Milkshake" - Kelis