Another Song...All Over Again....

Yesterday, I woke up to the first official snow of winter 2009-2010. It was a light, fluffy snow. Fresh and new. It softly blanketed the trees and the grass, blowing in whatever direction the wind decided it's course of fate would be. The snow was airy, wrought with unfamiliarity. I watched a girl scoop up a handful of snow, examine it intently, and let the loose flakes fall through her fingertips to the cold cement.

This is the time of year when the city hibernates. What was once the vibrant, buzzing, lively Chicago of summer has turned into the depressed, anti-social, angry-at-the-world Chicago of winter. The times we remember- frolicking at the beach, carefree strolls by outdoor cafes, buying tamales on the corner, are no longer.

It is cold. And it is going to get much colder before we ever see warm again.

So here we are. People are wearing knee high waterproof furry boots and long coats and layering knitted scarves over knitted sweaters over knitted gloves...all to try to protect precious flesh from the vicious chill of winter.

Once the snow starts in Chicago...it doesnt stop until April. Even then, it's still cold until May.

"My world it moves so fast today
The past it seems so far away,
And life, squeezes so tight that i can't breathe"

There was a time when I used to write poetry. In high school I sat in my classes, and wrote a poem every day. I would pass them to trusted friends and let them critique. I was a member of the Poetry Club - among the million other clubs that took up my after school time. In college, I continued my classtime poetry session to keep myself from falling asleep. Coming from high school AP Calculus, attempting to stay awake through my pre-calculus course was the most challenging aspect of the 3 hours a week I spent in that room.

I am a thoughtful communicator. Yes, that is a line straight from my resume. But, it's true. I think my success in communicating with others stems from my ability to listen and observe. Some people don't realize that communication is 50% listening. That being said, I am still convinced that I express myself best when I'm writing. When speaking, I always have that afterthought-that "oh darn, I should have said this!" Not when writing though. I can put things on paper, and they flow, and I say exactly what I want to say...

well, that used to be the case. I'm not sure what happened, but I cant write poetry anymore. The layer of my brain that takes regular nouns, verbs and adjectives and creates eloquent metaphors with whimsical imagery has shut down.

My lake of creativity has fallen victim to a drought. Like trekking through the Sahara, with not even a mirage in sight.

"I look at my environment,
And wonder where the fire went,
What happened to everything we used to be?"

So many things that used to define me no longer do. I'm no longer the smartest. I'm no longer the most unique. I'm not even the tallest anymore. If an interviewer were to sit me down right now, and ask me what sets me apart from everyone else, what would I say?

(Actually, I would make up something on the spot that sounded appropriate. I'm very good at telling people things they want to hear.)

Whatever I said, would I believe it? Probably not.

I have a poster in my room. It's one of those motivational posters. I bought it because it it red with roses, and I was going through a huge flower phase. But it says "PASSION. Nothing in the world has ever been accomplished without passion." While everyone else is distracted with Tiger Woods' drama, I struggle daily with finding my passion. I used to write. I used to be a musician. I used to aspire to be a kickass business woman. Somewhere along the line, I lost sight. What are my hobbies? Do I even have hobbies anymore? I dont DO anything anymore. My free time = gym, volunteering on a semi-weekly basis, dinner with friends, drinking with friends, being shit-faced drunk with friends, TV, Facebook, Twitter, internet, sleep. I cant even finish a book anymore! I have 3 very interesting, but unfinished books sitting in my room right now. not to mention the ones I havent even started.

I know that I am probably being entirely too hard on myself, and as a 24 year old, I should be exploring many options in life. But when I have friends who live in snazzy high rises in the West Loop and work for companies like Goldman Sachs....well dammit.

"And every time i've tried to be
What someone else thought of me
So caught up, i wasnt able to acheive"

I sat at my desk today and reflected. After a phone call from the Peace Corps office asking questions about my application and my follow up letter, it's looking more likely that they are going to pass on my application and ask me to reapply next year. She said they'll call me back next week, but I'm pretty perceptive. I could hear it in her voice. She was trying to find a way to tell me "no".

As I shed my first tear, I thought about love. Not the type of love that I have between my friends and my family, but the love between me, myself, and I. I'm not happy unless I'm doing something I love, or something that will get me to a place where I can do something that I love. These days I'm having trouble figuring out what exactly it is that I love to do, or would love to do. Since I'm not doing anything, and I dont even know what it is I should be doing to even make an attempt....I'm having trouble toning down the anger, disappointment, and frustration with myself and making room to love myself...

Does that make sense? Because nothing really makes sense for me anymore. I used to be happy. There were days when I would sit at this desk, and I was happy. Content with life. Now I'm uncomfortable. I want more, but it seems like "more" is difficult to attain. I want better, but I cant find a clear path to "better." Nothing is the same anymore. My interests and hobbies are not the same anymore, and now I have to find new ones. I cant even travel, because I have no money. I cant up and move somewhere, because that is entirely illogical. But I feel like it would be great for me.

Maybe I just need a vacation. Or a boyfriend to serve as a distraction.

I'm using my lunchtime today to take a walk. Something about walking in fresh snow...

"I hear so many cry for help,
Searching outside of themselves
Now I know that His strength is within me
And deep in my heart
The answer, it was in me
And I made up my mind
To define my own destiny"

Oh Lauryn Hill...if only it were that easy...

"The MisEducation of Lauryn Hill" - Lauryn Hill