you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life."
If I were to start writing my memoirs today, I'm pretty sure they would be well on their way of becoming a TV mini-series. Think "Roots"...but focused only on my life. And without the slavery. But yeah...just as long...
I've had ups, I've had downs, love affairs, travels, delusions of grandeur, hilariously embarrassing moments, moments so embarrassing that I blocked them out, great depression, extreme passion, general complacency...
Approaching the 25th year of my life, I have been fortunate enough to have many interesting and varied experiences in life. I've encountered the best kinds of people. I've also encountered the worst. I've loved and hated and lost and found.
Of my many experiences in life, I have yet to deal with something so crucial to the circle of life. That moves us all. Til we find our place on the path unwinding. The circle....the circle of life......
Wait, what?
But really, this isnt about that movie that traumatized me when I was nine years old. Actually, maybe it is. The Lion King was the first real exposure I had to death. At least, from what I remember. And since then, I've been fortunate enough to not have anyone close to me cross over into the next realm and find their place in heaven. People close to me have dealt with it. But personally, it hasn't happened. Some people might think I should consider myself fortunate, and I am certainly grateful. But being the paranoia laden psycho that I am, I cant help but to think about the fact that death is indeed....a fact of life. And eventually....I am going to have to face it. But when that day comes....
will I be strong enough to handle it?
When someone dies, I have no clue what to say. I dont handle it well because I dont know how to properly process death. If a friend of mine walked in here right now and said "my so and so died" ...I would give a very genuine "Oh no! Oh my God"....then...nothing. I feel like saying "I'm sorry" is so insensitive and it doesnt help anything. Then I would probably be sad because my friend was sad. And we would sit there in silence.
Maybe I should clarify....it's not like people in my family haven't died. My grandmother died my freshman year of college. My mother waited to tell me until the weekend, because she didnt want it to distract me from my studies. I remember, because the VMAs were on when she called me, and I was in the dorm lobby watching them with some other people. She called, told me what happened and that she was already there in Missouri and that my stepfather and uncle were on their way to pick me up. Did I feel sad? Yes...but mainly because that's how you're supposed to feel, right? My grandmother always lived in Missouri. I always lived in Michigan. I didnt get to see her often. I have a few memories of her, and when I was around her, I enjoyed it. But at her funeral, I was sad because my mother was sad. Same goes for when my brother died. I cried because I was sad that we had grown so distant since our childhood. Before his death, I hadnt seen him almost 10 years. But what saddened me the most was seeing my dad cry. Thats why I cried.
I feel like in both instances, I didnt even process their deaths correctly. After their funerals, I went back to my life, as if nothing had happened. Things are the same now as they were when they were living, because we werent close anymore, and they weren't a significant part of my daily life. But what if someone close to me died. I honestly think I wouldnt have the strength to take it. When I was younger, I was so afraid that something would happen to one of my parents (blame it on the Lion King). I prayed every night that my mother and father would live long lives, because I knew I would not be able to handle it if one of them went away. It scared me, and still scares me to this day.
Death is never an easy thing to deal with or even talk about. This culture spends so much time trying to avoid the topic, that when it does come up, people aren't prepared to handle it. Recently, my experiences with death have been relative to friends of friends who have committed suicide, which is something that always gets me thinking. I've tried to fathom just how much inner turmoil someone has to be going through to consider-and go through with- suicide. And when I think about it...there are two instances when I really cried--like really really cried--about someone's death. Both were people who I wasnt really close to. Both committed suicide.
It really hurts to know that someone was in so much pain, and they felt they couldnt reach out to anyone. Especially when you just talked to that person. I often wonder if these people, wherever they are, can see the effects of their decisions. A girl that I hardly knew committed suicide recently, and I cried. Not for a minute or two...but for a few days. Why? I dont really know. We barely knew each other, and I'm sure she didnt even see me as a person who would care...but I cant help but wonder if I would have sent her a text or something, if I could have just listened to her talk, or consoled her or something...if I could have helped her in some way. Oftentimes, people forget how insignificant they are in this huge universe. But they also forget just how significant they are to other people. And although I never really know what to say, I'm always available to listen. I know I tend to be self centered sometimes, and I tend to interrupt, but I will listen to someone that needs to be heard. I just wish I knew that she was begging to be heard.
"You got the future in the palm of your hands
all you gotta do to get you through is understand
you think you rather do without,
you will never make it without the truth
the facts of life is all about you"
These days, I find myself making an attempt to be more open to others. Even people I dont know. I truly believe that everyone is connected, and I also believe that we impact each other's lives more than we know. I'm sure neither Arin nor Rachel believed that their deaths would bring me to tears. They had no clue just how significant they were to me.
I didnt know either. Until they were gone.
While these girls weren't my closest friends, they had an impact on my outlook on life. And if their deaths caused me so much pain, I truly fear what might happen if, God forbid, something happened to someone closer to me.
I should probably follow up this post with something happy. We are a culture that avoids death at all costs....until its right there in our faces. To the 4 people that read this, if I've ruined your day, I apologize. But...
"You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life."
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